- Your mother doesn't have to sleep in the same room as your father. Let us know if your father reacts to your mother not sleeping in the same room as him.
- Do you have any idea why your father gambles? (By this, I mean having asked him directly)
- Is there any chance of speaking to your fathers' friends? I would ask them how they would handle the situation.
Below is something I copied off the web. There are people trained to help you with these sorts of things, so there is no reason for you or your mum to try and solve this on your own. I don't know much about the social support services in Indonesia, but surely there must be some sort of gambling support group you can contact. Alternatively, make an appointment with your General Practitioner and ask for help - they should know what to do and give you all sorts of information on what to do next. If they cannot directly help you, they will tell you where to go next.
Gambling Addiction Treatment Options
Individuals preoccupied and controlled by gambling may seek a variety of treatments that deal with gambling addiction. Addiction treatment facilities and clinics around the globe treat a variety of addiction problems, including gambling through any or a combination of several avenues, including:
Cognitive or behavioral therapy
Rational emotive therapy (RET)
Counseling
Group support (such as Gamblers Anonymous, a 12 step recovery program similar to that engaged by alcoholics)
Inpatient or Outpatient addiction clinics or facilities
For your dad:
Seeing a therapist does not mean you are weak or can’t handle your problems. Therapy is for people who are smart enough to realize they need help. It can give you tools and support for reframing your thoughts that will last a lifetime.
Maintaining recovery for problem gambling and gambling addiction
As you may have noticed, quitting problem gambling is relatively easy. It’s staying in recovery- making a permanent commitment to stay away from gambling- that is such a challenge. Maintaining recovery for problem gambling and gambling addiction is possible if you surround yourself with people to whom you’re accountable, avoid tempting environments, give up control of your finances (at least at first), and find exciting or enjoyable activities to replace gambling.
Changing your lifestyle and making healthier choices
One way to stop yourself from problem gambling is to analyze what is needed for gambling to occur, work on removing these elements from your life and replace them with healthier choices. The four elements needed for problem gambling to continue are:
A decision: Before gambling occurs, the decision to gamble has been made. If you have an urge to gamble: stop what you are doing and call someone, think about the consequences to your actions, tell yourself to stop thinking about gambling, and find something else to do immediately.
Money: Gambling cannot occur without money. Get rid of your credit cards, let someone else be in charge of your money, have the bank make automatic payments for you, and keep a limited amount of cash on you at all times.
Time: Gambling cannot occur if you don’t have the time. Schedule enjoyable recreational time for yourself that has nothing to do with gambling, find time for relaxation, and plan outings with your family.
A game: Without a game or activity to bet on there is no opportunity to gamble. Don’t put yourself in tempting environments or locations. Tell the gambling establishments you frequent that you have a gambling problem and ask them to restrict you from betting at their casinos and establishments. (Maybe teach him to play Starcraft!!)
Maintaining recovery from problem gambling or gambling addiction depends a lot on the reasons why you were gambling in the first place. Once you’ve quit gambling, reasons such as depression, loneliness, or boredom will remain, so in order to maintain your recovery, you’ll need to address these problems. There are alternative behaviors you can substitute for gambling. Some examples include:
Sample Substitute Behaviors
To provide excitement, get a rush of adrenaline
Sport or a challenging hobby, such as mountain biking, rock climbing, or Go Kart racing
To be more social, overcome shyness
Counseling, enroll in a public speaking class, join a social group
To numb unpleasant feelings, not think about problems
Therapy, consult Helpguide’s Bring Your Life into Balance toolkit
Boredom or loneliness
Find something you’re passionate about such as art, music, sports, or books then find others with the same interests
To relax after a stressful day
As little as 15 minutes of daily exercise can relieve stress. Or deep breathing, meditation, or massage
To solve money problems
The odds are always stacked against you so it’s far better to seek help with debts from a credit counselor
Dealing with gambling cravings
Feeling the urge to gamble is normal, but that doesn’t make it any easier when you are struggling to make better choices. Remember, as you build healthier choices and a good support network, resisting cravings will be easier and easier. The following strategies can help
Reach out for support. Call a trusted family member, meet a friend for coffee, or go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting.
Do something else. Distract yourself with another activity, such as cleaning your house, going to the gym, or watching a movie.
Postpone gambling. Tell yourself that you’ll wait five minutes, fifteen minutes, or an hour — however long you think you can hold out. As you wait, the urge to gamble may pass or become weak enough to resist.
Give yourself a reality check. Visualize what will happen if you give in to the urge to gamble. Think about how you’ll feel after all your money is gone and you’ve disappointed yourself and your family again.
If you aren’t able to resist the gambling craving, don’t be too hard on yourself or use it as an excuse to give up. Overcoming a gambling addiction is a tough process. You may slip from time to time; the important thing is to learn from your mistakes and continue working towards recovery.
FOR YOU AND YOUR MUM: Helping a family member with a gambling problem
How to help with a gambling problem
Compulsive and problem gamblers often need the support of their family and friends to help them in their struggle to stop gambling. But the decision to quit has to be theirs. As much as you may want to, and as hard as it is seeing the effects, you cannot make someone stop gambling.
If your family member has a gambling problem, you may have many conflicting emotions. You may try to cover up for a loved one or spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep him or her from gambling. At the same time, you might be furious at your loved one for gambling again and tired of trying to keep up the charade. The gambler may also have borrowed (or even stolen) money from you with no way to pay it back. He or she may have sold family possessions or run up huge debts on joint credit cards. When faced with the consequences of their actions, a gambler can suffer a crushing drop in self-esteem.
Tools for family members of problem gamblers:
Start by helping yourself. You have a right to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Don’t blame yourself for the gambler’s problems. The right support can help you make positive choices for yourself, and balance encouraging your loved one to get help without losing yourself in the process.
Don’t go it alone. It can feel so overwhelming coping with a loved one’s problem gambling that it may seem easier to rationalize their requests and problems “this one last time”. Or you might feel ashamed, feeling like you are the only one who has problems like this. Reaching out for support will make you realize that many families have struggled with this problem. Or you might consider therapy to help sort out the complicated feelings that arise from coping with a problem gambler.
Set boundaries in managing money. If a loved one is serious about getting help for problem gambling, it may help if you take over the family finances to make sure the gambler stays accountable and to prevent relapse. However, this does not mean you are responsible for micromanaging the problem gamblers impulses to gamble. Your first responsibilities are to ensure that your own finances and credit are not at risk.
Consider how you will handle requests for money. Problem gamblers often become very good at asking for money, either directly or indirectly. They may use pleading, manipulation or even threats and blaming to get it. It takes time and practice to learn how you will respond to these requests to ensure you are not enabling the problem gambler and keeping your own dignity intact.
Do’s and Don't for Partners of Problem Gamblers
Do
Seek the support of others with similar problems; attend a self-help group for families such as Gam-Anon.
Explain problem gambling to the children.
Recognize your partner’s good qualities.
Remain calm when speaking to your partner about his or her gambling and its consequences.
Let your partner know that you are seeking help for your own sake because of the way gambling affects you and the children.
Understand the need for treatment of problem gambling despite the time it may involve.
Take control of family finances; review bank and credit card statements.
Don’t
Preach, lecture, or allow yourself to lose control of your anger.
Make threats or issue ultimatums unless you intend to carry them out.
Exclude the gambler from family life and activities.
Expect immediate recovery, or that all problems will be resolved when the gambling stops.
Bail out the gambler.
Cover-up or deny the existence of the problem to yourself, the family, or others.
Source: Dept. of Mental Health & Addiction Services
Hey, I come from a troubled background myself. My dad isn't a stable person (he was in a mental institution for a year) and he likes to think that he will be rich one day. He doesn't have any vices, but he doesn't really work either. Part of it is because he likes to unnecessary risks like trying out new ventures, and he doesn't like to be employed. Since I was 15, I was helping out with the family bills. When I was 24, I cleared the family debt (he was a big credit card spender) and basically I had my mum destroy all the credit cards. Then I left for the UK to study, by working there for 2 years on a working holiday visa. When I came back though, my parents sold the house (economic crisis) and didn't buy a new flat. My father decided to rent, and he started to feed his new addiction (feeding stray cats). I came back to a house of 20+ cats. Basically, I left it alone because I thought it was harmless. Now, my parents live apart because my mum can't support him, since he doesn't work and I am saving to finish my last year in school. We don't have a house and he sleeps in a truck which he rents. For me, I need a better income, so finishing up school is the most important thing in my mind right now. After that, it will be much easier to handle. I am 30 now.
Clearly, with addictions it's important to have family support. Without family support, this is almost impossible to handle. You need to let your mum and sister know that there are consequences to not handling this now. If you wait or think that your dad can handle himself, like I did, you could very well your house.
Your family needs to sit down and have a family meeting. Your mother, sister and yourself need to determine a course of action and stick to it. No deviations. You need to go through financial stuff, show them how this leads to utter failure to galvanise them into action. Most of the time people don't do anything because they are unaware of the consequences 5 years down the line. People are always in denial.
You need to show your father the consequences. Do it as a family. Show him the family can't maintain him and show him the potentially disastrous consequences. If fear is not a good motivator, then tell him, from now on, you will no longer indulge his demands. (i.e. you will not pay for any of his debt). Legally, if your dad is still alive, his debt should not pass on to you. Also if you choose not to accept your inheritance, you will not receive his debt as well.
You should not, in any way, support his addiction. Place controls on all the gambling websites he goes to if possible, or only allow certain websites through. If you need to, unsubscribe from the internet. This is a bigger problem than not playing SC2 or surfing, a man has to do what a man has to do. If he gets mad, he is throwing a tantrum. Tell him firmly that he cannot gamble any more in this house. It maybe his house now, but it won't be if he continues to gamble. If he gets violent, buy enough time for your family to call the police. You're nineteen now, you should be able to hold your dad back. (I had to do it when I was 15.) Once he see that you are physically stronger, he will stop being violent.
His friends might not listen to you, but it's good to ask any way. Ask them not to indulge his gambling habits. Most gamblers borrow money, so ask them not to loan him anything. Remember that addicts are manipulative - they will lie or go into a state of "good" conduct to get what they want. Do not approve of any loans for your dad. If he needs money, he will have to go to you or your mum. Your mum also needs support so provide what you can.
Go with your dad to support groups. For me it was church. I personally am agnostic, but having a community to fall back on does help. Do you have an aunt or uncle you're close to? You need to talk to them and seek advice as well. Your dad might be angry at first, but once he is surrounded by people who starve his addiction, he will improve.
Most of all, keep a cool head. If you can just stop him. If all else fails, lock him out of the house. All this sucks, I know, but just remember, you're doing it for your family and you won't be in the weak position I'm in 5 years down the line. You're the man of the house now, and I trust you'll do a good job.
Ask your sister to help you with convincing your mom.
I can't force a responsible thing to my sister since she just finished her operation for her brain , and doctor told us not to let her handle too much stress.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobunaga
The problem with this situation, is that your mom is an enabler to your dad's gambling problem. Until everyone else in your family says no, your dad is just going to keep on getting his way and losing all the money.
Like the previous posters says, you got to convince your mom to stop this or they cycle will keep on repeating itself. Giving your dad the laptop is only a short term solution to the problem, because eventually it'll happen again one month later.
It's hard for a 19 year old to step up and confront their fathers, because they don't have a solid base, a home away from home, or solid financials yet (especially in Asia). You'll really need everyone on your side to do this.
I have talked to my mother this morning about this , she told me that she just worried that things got worse before my sister got married , she said she has set aside amount of money until i graduate.
- Your mother doesn't have to sleep in the same room as your father. Let us know if your father reacts to your mother not sleeping in the same room as him.
- Do you have any idea why your father gambles? (By this, I mean having asked him directly)
- Is there any chance of speaking to your fathers' friends? I would ask them how they would handle the situation.
- There are times my mother sleep with my sister because my father is gambling in the middle of the night and all the lights are up. My father doesn't about that , he just keeps on gambling. Not even considering my mother's help.
- I'm guessing that he's just bored , because friends he hang out with everyday are also gambler.
- It's impossible to talk to his friends , because there were times i met his friends and they are bunch of people who is not so well-mannered.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nard
Hi PrimeTime,
which country are you from?
I'm sorry , did u meant like Indonesia , Singapore , etc. if u meant by that , than the answer is Indonesia , and law in here is not as strict as other country like e.g. Singapore.
Last edited by PrimeTime; Fri, 29th-Jul-2011 at 12:57 PM.
sorry i am not a professional in these aspect but.. since i am on an IT field, i can advice you on how to set up proxy that will banned gambling sites.
or you can just unsubscribe your home internet line and use those mobile broadband which allows you to control internet usage and as long you don't teach him on how the connection work, it wouldn't allows him to even be on the web let alone gamble =)
Below is something I copied off the web. There are people trained to help you with these sorts of things, so there is no reason for you or your mum to try and solve this on your own. I don't know much about the social support services in Indonesia, but surely there must be some sort of gambling support group you can contact. Alternatively, make an appointment with your General Practitioner and ask for help - they should know what to do and give you all sorts of information on what to do next. If they cannot directly help you, they will tell you where to go next.
Gambling Addiction Treatment Options
Individuals preoccupied and controlled by gambling may seek a variety of treatments that deal with gambling addiction. Addiction treatment facilities and clinics around the globe treat a variety of addiction problems, including gambling through any or a combination of several avenues, including:
Cognitive or behavioral therapy
Rational emotive therapy (RET)
Counseling
Group support (such as Gamblers Anonymous, a 12 step recovery program similar to that engaged by alcoholics)
Inpatient or Outpatient addiction clinics or facilities
I haven't heard anything about group or practitioner in my country.
And for the therapy it said that it needs the gambler's willigness to admit that he has gambling problem where my father won't admit at all.
Hey, I come from a troubled background myself. My dad isn't a stable person (he was in a mental institution for a year) and he likes to think that he will be rich one day. He doesn't have any vices, but he doesn't really work either. Part of it is because he likes to unnecessary risks like trying out new ventures, and he doesn't like to be employed. Since I was 15, I was helping out with the family bills. When I was 24, I cleared the family debt (he was a big credit card spender) and basically I had my mum destroy all the credit cards. Then I left for the UK to study, by working there for 2 years on a working holiday visa. When I came back though, my parents sold the house (economic crisis) and didn't buy a new flat. My father decided to rent, and he started to feed his new addiction (feeding stray cats). I came back to a house of 20+ cats. Basically, I left it alone because I thought it was harmless. Now, my parents live apart because my mum can't support him, since he doesn't work and I am saving to finish my last year in school. We don't have a house and he sleeps in a truck which he rents. For me, I need a better income, so finishing up school is the most important thing in my mind right now. After that, it will be much easier to handle. I am 30 now.
Clearly, with addictions it's important to have family support. Without family support, this is almost impossible to handle. You need to let your mum and sister know that there are consequences to not handling this now. If you wait or think that your dad can handle himself, like I did, you could very well your house.
Your family needs to sit down and have a family meeting. Your mother, sister and yourself need to determine a course of action and stick to it. No deviations. You need to go through financial stuff, show them how this leads to utter failure to galvanise them into action. Most of the time people don't do anything because they are unaware of the consequences 5 years down the line. People are always in denial.
You need to show your father the consequences. Do it as a family. Show him the family can't maintain him and show him the potentially disastrous consequences. If fear is not a good motivator, then tell him, from now on, you will no longer indulge his demands. (i.e. you will not pay for any of his debt). Legally, if your dad is still alive, his debt should not pass on to you. Also if you choose not to accept your inheritance, you will not receive his debt as well.
You should not, in any way, support his addiction. Place controls on all the gambling websites he goes to if possible, or only allow certain websites through. If you need to, unsubscribe from the internet. This is a bigger problem than not playing SC2 or surfing, a man has to do what a man has to do. If he gets mad, he is throwing a tantrum. Tell him firmly that he cannot gamble any more in this house. It maybe his house now, but it won't be if he continues to gamble. If he gets violent, buy enough time for your family to call the police. You're nineteen now, you should be able to hold your dad back. (I had to do it when I was 15.) Once he see that you are physically stronger, he will stop being violent.
His friends might not listen to you, but it's good to ask any way. Ask them not to indulge his gambling habits. Most gamblers borrow money, so ask them not to loan him anything. Remember that addicts are manipulative - they will lie or go into a state of "good" conduct to get what they want. Do not approve of any loans for your dad. If he needs money, he will have to go to you or your mum. Your mum also needs support so provide what you can.
Go with your dad to support groups. For me it was church. I personally am agnostic, but having a community to fall back on does help. Do you have an aunt or uncle you're close to? You need to talk to them and seek advice as well. Your dad might be angry at first, but once he is surrounded by people who starve his addiction, he will improve.
Most of all, keep a cool head. If you can just stop him. If all else fails, lock him out of the house. All this sucks, I know, but just remember, you're doing it for your family and you won't be in the weak position I'm in 5 years down the line. You're the man of the house now, and I trust you'll do a good job.
I'm trying my best , it's just my mother and my sister being so passive , and my sister just finished operaton on her brain where the doctor tell us (my father , mother and me) not to give her too much too handle , her brain is still in recovering stage.
And like i type before , i have talk to my mother , she said she has set aside money for my college's fee.
My mother is worried about my sister because of this operation , her last boyfriend left him without a word and now she's single. I'm afraid if i let her in , she'll have too much pressure to handle with her current stage.
I'm suspecting that his friends also encourage him to play.
He gamble with phone and only looking for odds on the internet.
Alter the hosts file so it blocks out the sites he gambles from, that way he can have his laptop but he cant gamble the money away
The site his looking is a site for the odds on betting.
He bets with phoning his friends.
My Father is the type who has a high ego and i believe being with his friends who i can't tell him to befriends with urge him to gamble again.
PrimeTime - it's a tough situation. I've worked as a therapist helping others with addictions for some years so I have some appreciation of what you're going through. And as helpful as sc2sea users are, they are no substitute for professional help. My advice: Call a gambling line and tell them what's going on. They work with people like you and your father every single day. Even without your father admitting a problem, they can help you help him.
In short:
- You don't have to do it alone.
- You are the catalyst for his change.
- He can overcome the addiction - it's not that hard with commitment and dedication.
- Call a gambling line and talk.
Last edited by majhra; Fri, 29th-Jul-2011 at 1:21 PM.
PrimeTime - it's a tough situation. I've worked as a therapist helping others with addictions for some years so I have some appreciation of what you're going through. And as helpful as sc2sea users are, they are no substitute for professional help. My advice: Call the gambling line and tell them what's going on. They work with people like you and your father every single day. Even without your father admitting a problem, they can help you help him.
In short:
- You don't have to do it alone.
- You are the catalyst for his change.
- He can overcome the addiction - it's not that hard with commitment and dedication.
- Call the gambling line and talk.
do u know any gambling line in Indonesia ? because so far i haven't heard anything about things like that in Indonesia.
Yeah - good point - didn't realise you were in indonesia. I don't know if there is one, my initial guess is yes. Even if there isn't you can probably get assistance email wise (possibly even skype) via other countries. Australia has many groups that help. One example is www.problemgambling.vic.gov.au.
I would probably get rid of the laptop so he can't use it. Your mother will not be sleeping when there is no house if he loses everything. If you father can go a month without gambling, Its seems more of an impulsive behaviour and poor decision making rather than a physical addiction- if he was truley addicted he would be doing it non stop, but he is going a whole month and has a few smaller bets than gets carried away and has a big bet after multiple smaller bets.
If it were my dad and he got louder and verbally abusive, bad luck mate is all i would say to him.
Another option could be although not the best and likely not to work due to his impulsiveness is to give him a "bankroll" and say to manage this by having 100 smaller bets, if you lose it it is NO MORE money for you.
I would probably get rid of the laptop so he can't use it. Your mother will not be sleeping when there is no house if he loses everything. If you father can go a month without gambling, Its seems more of an impulsive behaviour and poor decision making rather than a physical addiction- if he was truley addicted he would be doing it non stop, but he is going a whole month and has a few smaller bets than gets carried away and has a big bet after multiple smaller bets.
If it were my dad and he got louder and verbally abusive, bad luck mate is all i would say to him.
Another option could be although not the best and likely not to work due to his impulsiveness is to give him a "bankroll" and say to manage this by having 100 smaller bets, if you lose it it is NO MORE money for you.
He's not the type to be satisfied by just small bet , he just started small , and whenever he ask us for the internet connection and laptop , he'll always say " Relax , i only bet a two three million rupiah. " , and over time he won't get satisfied by winning with small bet , and eventually he'll bet bigger with 25million rupiah and above , and then eventually he'll lose and be all desperate for a week and so , and after the month and so , he'll re-do it again by saying " Don't worry , this time i only bet a two three million rupiah. "
I'm trying my best , it's just my mother and my sister being so passive , and my sister just finished operaton on her brain where the doctor tell us (my father , mother and me) not to give her too much too handle , her brain is still in recovering stage.
And like i type before , i have talk to my mother , she said she has set aside money for my college's fee.
My mother is worried about my sister because of this operation , her last boyfriend left him without a word and now she's single. I'm afraid if i let her in , she'll have too much pressure to handle with her current stage.
I'm suspecting that his friends also encourage him to play.
He gamble with phone and only looking for odds on the internet.
Yeah, he probably uses bookies to gamble. If he's not paying for his phone bill, you might want to cut his phone line. Obviously, this is more complicated - I put my dad on pay-as-you-go to prevent him from over-extending himself and I stopped the internet plans, but this is different because bookies don't care about whether you have enough money to pay or not.
I agree that now is probably not the best time to let your sister in on this. You should at least tell him that by doing this, it will worsen your sister's condition. Tell him not to do it anymore for the sake of his family. If he doesn't listen, all of you might just have to abandon ship. This is obviously the last resort, but sometimes the best thing is to just leave. It's not an easy decision, so you need to think about the consequences carefully.
You should talk to your mum about this. Just tell her that this has to stop. Ask your telco if you can have certain numbers restricted. Get your dad a plan with no internet. And take care of yourself. You're the key to solving all this.
You see, right now, he's gambled, but he really hasn't lost anything important to him. Right now, he's just thinking of himself. If he was really thinking about the family, he would not put his family in this position. Remember that, and you will know how to make your decisions.
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