[PrimeTime]

Hello sc2sea ,
Yes most of u will ask who i am , i'm just a bronze player in Starcraft 2 , so most or even all the people won't recognise me.
I love this forum and has been actively checking for updates but never post anything myself because i know not a thing more than the people in here , but i read a lot from here.

And since this is the only forum i'm active in , i would like to ask for solution and advice.
I'm currently dealing with my father who has a gambling problem and getting worse and worse.
This cycle has occur to me in my family for like since i know about things.
He would first gamble with small amount of money , then after a while time , he will start betting bigger and bigger , and eventually lose big bet , after the huge lost , he would said to me , my mother and my sister to keep the gadget like laptop and internet connection from him , and promised us that he won't gamble again , and after a month or so , he would ask for the laptop and internet connection again , if we don't give him , he'll stare to me and my sister with angry look , and will ask again with a louder voice and keep louder until we give him , there was a couple time where he go physical with my mother , that was when i was still like 10 years old. After receiving his laptop and internet connection , he'll gamble again with small amount of money and eventually the cycle will go around again.
He's currently in his mid 50s , and has no job , where the money left to support our family is the pension money and previous works' money.
He doesn't have any more income and still he gamble away what is left.

I have search the internet and found that there's treatment but need a his willingness , where it's an impossible things to do because he won't admit that he has gambling problem.
Worst of all , most of his friends he hangs out everyday are richer than him , and gamble too.

My mother and my sister is a passive type , and they just can scold him with few words , but then let him gamble , everytime he asks for laptop and internet connection , things won't do good in our family , i will argue with him , but my mother will stop me , telling me to give him what he wants just so that my mother can go to sleep.
My mother even buy sleeping pills because sometimes , when he gambles in the middle of the night , he open all the lights in the room and my mother won't get a chance to sleep.
Sometimes my mother even move to my sister's bedroom and sleep with my sister.
Some of the nights my mother will come to my room and have a chat with me and told me how stress she is , and telling me how tide financial is and father is making it worse , and etc.
My mother once told me that financial in our family is very tide , and starting to go down faster with my father's gambling.
I can't bare seeing my mother so desperately and patiently holding her tears and cries.

He ever once told us (my family) , that one of his friend got bankrupt because of gambling and has lost everything , from a big house , elite cars , etc. Now he's in jail , and his wife is trying her best to live the life with nothing much left , but he never took any lesson from what he told us.

I'm 19 years old (1992) , am going to enter college this year , i'm afraid that things will get worse and worse in my family , i'm afraid i can't finish my college because of father and losing everything.
What i wish is to be able to finish college and be sucessful and can live my own and take over the leading financial in my family where i'm the one in control.

I'm in a desperate moment where i don't know what to do , whom to talk , i just hope by posting in this forum , i'll get solution and stop things before it goes worse and worse.

Any advices and solutions given by people from sc2sea will sure be a help for me.


Thanks for reading,
You have my regards,
PrimeTime

Quick Comments

	nirvAnA:	thanks for sharing this sincere story, all the best to you
	Sagachii:
	Nemo:	You're very courageous
	aLtShortizz:	Really you should get help from him. Does he have really close friends or relatives to knock some sense into him? Getting him to a counsellor is a huge step.

[Meatex]

I'm going to assume you are smaller than your father so you can't intimidate him to listen to you
In that case the simplest solution would be to emancipate him from his money by any means necessary

You could try intervention thing etc but if he is denying then you gotta give him a reality check - take his money, give him a healthy addiction to replace his gambling and get him away from his current friends

How you manipulate him to do this will depend on his mentality etc - if he loves you and carse about your opinions best way would be shame. Worked on my mother for smoking

Also you could say that you can gamble but tell him only once a week and give him a set amount of money, not allowing him to take anything else

Just some thoughts, feel for you and good luck

[Doctor]

Originally Posted by Meatex

I'm going to assume you are smaller than your father so you can't intimidate him to listen to you
In that case the simplest solution would be to emancipate him from his money by any means necessary

You could try intervention thing etc but if he is denying then you gotta give him a reality check - take his money, give him a healthy addiction to replace his gambling and get him away from his current friends

How you manipulate him to do this will depend on his mentality etc - if he loves you and carse about your opinions best way would be shame. Worked on my mother for smoking

Also you could say that you can gamble but tell him only once a week and give him a set amount of money, not allowing him to take anything else

Just some thoughts, feel for you and good luck

Nice thought

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by Meatex

I'm going to assume you are smaller than your father so you can't intimidate him to listen to you
In that case the simplest solution would be to emancipate him from his money by any means necessary

You could try intervention thing etc but if he is denying then you gotta give him a reality check - take his money, give him a healthy addiction to replace his gambling and get him away from his current friends

How you manipulate him to do this will depend on his mentality etc - if he loves you and carse about your opinions best way would be shame. Worked on my mother for smoking

Also you could say that you can gamble but tell him only once a week and give him a set amount of money, not allowing him to take anything else

Just some thoughts, feel for you and good luck

He still do care for my future , my job , and etc. There was once when he started and want the internet connection where when he ask for me , we argue , and i give it to him by saying " If tonight my work given by my company cannot be done because of ur gambling addiction , then congratulation " , when i was about to leave the room , he speak to me with still a loud voice " TAKE IT ! "

And about taking over the money , as u can see , i'm still at a very young age and he won't in any possible way give me the rights.

He do hear our opinion ONLY when he has lost a big bet , and eventually after a month , the cycle will go around again.

[cure]

Don't give him the laptop, no matter what. Say you need it for SC2 and then defend the laptop with your life.

On the serious note, giving him the laptop would entice him to gamble more. Your family members and yourself should know by now that if he's on the internet, he'll gamble. If i was in your shoes, i wouldn't let him have the laptop regardless of the circumstances.

Quick Comments

nirvAnA:

lmao cure!

[Doctor]

Originally Posted by cure

Don't give him the laptop, no matter what. Say you need it for SC2 and then defend the laptop with your life.

On the serious note, giving him the laptop would entice him to gamble more. Your family members and yourself should know by now that if he's on the internet, he'll gamble. If i was in your shoes, i wouldn't let him have the laptop regardless of the circumstances.

he said it before.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by cure

Don't give him the laptop, no matter what. Say you need it for SC2 and then defend the laptop with your life.

On the serious note, giving him the laptop would entice him to gamble more. Your family members and yourself should know by now that if he's on the internet, he'll gamble. If i was in your shoes, i wouldn't let him have the laptop regardless of the circumstances.

As i type before , i do not want to give it to him , but my mother told me to give her what he wants or my mom won't get to sleep , he keeps ordering my mom to take laptops and internet connection from me and my sister who keep them.
there were once that he even woke my mother up in the middle of the night just to take them.

[cure]

Originally Posted by PrimeTime

As i type before , i do not want to give it to him , but my mother told me to give her what he wants or my mom won't get to sleep , he keeps ordering my mom to take laptops and internet connection from me and my sister who keep them.
there were once that he even woke my mother up in the middle of the night just to take them.

Turn on the laptop, take a jug of water, tilt the jug over the laptop and yell "DON'T FORCE ME TO DO THIS"

On the serious note, either you find a way to not give him the laptop, control the finances in your household, notify the authorities of domestic abuse, or you'll be stuck with doing the first option with a jug of water.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by cure

Turn on the laptop, take a jug of water, tilt the jug over the laptop and yell "DON'T FORCE ME TO DO THIS"

On the serious note, either you find a way to not give him the laptop, control the finances in your household, notify the authorities of domestic abuse, or you'll be stuck with doing the first option with a jug of water.

in my first thinking , i was planning to drop the laptop from 3 stories high , or just hit it with a hammer.
then my second opinion came out to be if i destroy it , he'll just went outside to buy the new one.
and i searched in the internet and found that anger and destruction is not the best solution.

[AxSGRiM]

Honestly, you have to have a serious talk with your dad and tell him how badly you want a job and a life in the future and that him gambling won't help you reach that goal. You might want to consider rehabilitation though :S Maybe even call the cops...

[nirvAnA]

Gambling addictions are hard to kick because its a behaviour change and behaviour changes are extremely difficult. I am not an expert in handling these matters but i feel in this scenario although its going to sound as corny as hell, since you are the next male in the family you have to start stepping up and being the Alpha Male in your family in order to protect them.

Do not allow your father to use the laptop, and control the way he is spending his money. Don't do this in a confrontational way but when things are cool and relaxed. Maybe when your father is sober and rational, get your family together and sit together and have a talk. Make him realise he is destroying his family and if he admits he can't control his actions anymore, ask him to give access to his finances / credit card to your mom or yourself. Everyone is in this together, it will be for his and the family's benefit and you are all trying to help him.

When the great wolf has fallen you must rise up, take his place and lead your pact to greatness! All the best man

[Primex]

Just try and be blatant with him, when he is in rational mind of course. Explain to him how his gambling is destroying you and your family. If he is not willing, maybe let the authorities know? I'm not sure.


Btw nice quote nirvAnA.

Originally Posted by nirvAnA

When the great wolf has fallen you must rise up, take his place and lead your pact to greatness! All the best man

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by nirvAnA

Gambling addictions are hard to kick because its a behaviour change and behaviour changes are extremely difficult. I am not an expert in handling these matters but i feel in this scenario although its going to sound as corny as hell, since you are the next male in the family you have to start stepping up and being the Alpha Male in your family in order to protect them.

Do not allow your father to use the laptop, and control the way he is spending his money. Don't do this in a confrontational way but when things are cool and relaxed. Maybe when your father is sober and rational, get your family together and sit together and have a talk. Make him realise he is destroying his family and if he admits he can't control his actions anymore, ask him to give access to his finances / credit card to your mom or yourself. Everyone is in this together, it will be for his and the family's benefit and you are all trying to help him.

When the great wolf has fallen you must rise up, take his place and lead your pact to greatness! All the best man

I'll try to talk to him in the time u mention.
I'm just afraid things will go worse and worse.

[Meatex]

If this has happened a lot many times then you gotta start taking off the kid gloves
When you see an opportunity where he is listening you gotta step up and make him give you and your mum control and don't take no for an answer - don't get into a yelling match just do it
He has to understand its not his choice until he has the willpower to make the right one

There will - or may have already - come a point when talking won't help and you'll have to take action and be firm. Make him choose between his family and his gambling. You probably won't want to do that but you should understand that it may indeed to come to that point. You have to be willing to throw him away for him to understand his desire to stay and realize what he must do.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by Meatex

If this has happened a lot many times then you gotta start taking off the kid gloves
When you see an opportunity where he is listening you gotta step up and make him give you and your mum control and don't take no for an answer - don't get into a yelling match just do it
He has to understand its not his choice until he has the willpower to make the right one

There will - or may have already - come a point when talking won't help and you'll have to take action and be firm. Make him choose between his family and his gambling. You probably won't want to do that but you should understand that it may indeed to come to that point. You have to be willing to throw him away for him to understand his desire to stay and realize what he must do.

If i step up , my mother will tell me to just please him , as my mother ask for not an argument and just let her rest.
Without my mother i would have stand firm in front of him without giving what he wants.
My mother won't get to sleep and be restless if he doesn't get what he wants.

[Meatex]

Originally Posted by PrimeTime

If i step up , my mother will tell me to just please him , as my mother ask for not an argument and just let her rest.
Without my mother i would have stand firm in front of him without giving what he wants.
My mother won't get to sleep and be restless if he doesn't get what he wants.

Then sounds like you need talk and work things out with your mum first, you gotta work together

Quick Comments

PiG:

[Cyanide]

@PrimeTime

Tell him what you've have said here. In time to come, it will get worse. Tell him what you can foresee is going to happen. It'll will only drive the family apart. I can see that you are already taking the first step to taking charge, by asserting that you want to complete your college education and be the sole breadwinner.

Keep reminding him that the only way for you to achieve that, is by him not squandering all the money away. Keep reminding him. Tell your mother and your sister, that if they continue to be passive, things will never improve.

Let them know that you want to support your father, that you care. And that the only way for things to improve is through your mother and sister supporting you.

This is just my opinion of course. Hope things will turn out better for you. Cheers.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by Cyanide

@PrimeTime

Tell him what you've have said here. In time to come, it will get worse. Tell him what you can foresee is going to happen. It'll will only drive the family apart. I can see that you are already taking the first step to taking charge, by asserting that you want to complete your college education and be the sole breadwinner.

Keep reminding him that the only way for you to achieve that, is by him not squandering all the money away. Keep reminding him. Tell your mother and your sister, that if they continue to be passive, things will never improve.

Let them know that you want to support your father, that you care. And that the only way for things to improve is through your mother and sister supporting you.

This is just my opinion of course. Hope things will turn out better for you. Cheers.

I'll try to talk to him when the time is right , and the best time i think is what nirvana mentioned.

[AxSGRiM]

Ask your sister to help you with convincing your mom.

[Nobunaga]

The problem with this situation, is that your mom is an enabler to your dad's gambling problem. Until everyone else in your family says no, your dad is just going to keep on getting his way and losing all the money.

Like the previous posters says, you got to convince your mom to stop this or they cycle will keep on repeating itself. Giving your dad the laptop is only a short term solution to the problem, because eventually it'll happen again one month later.

It's hard for a 19 year old to step up and confront their fathers, because they don't have a solid base, a home away from home, or solid financials yet (especially in Asia). You'll really need everyone on your side to do this.

Quick Comments

PiG:

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by sHockeR

Ask your sister to help you with convincing your mom.

I can't force a responsible thing to my sister since she just finished her operation for her brain , and doctor told us not to let her handle too much stress.

Originally Posted by Nobunaga

The problem with this situation, is that your mom is an enabler to your dad's gambling problem. Until everyone else in your family says no, your dad is just going to keep on getting his way and losing all the money.

Like the previous posters says, you got to convince your mom to stop this or they cycle will keep on repeating itself. Giving your dad the laptop is only a short term solution to the problem, because eventually it'll happen again one month later.

It's hard for a 19 year old to step up and confront their fathers, because they don't have a solid base, a home away from home, or solid financials yet (especially in Asia). You'll really need everyone on your side to do this.

I have talked to my mother this morning about this , she told me that she just worried that things got worse before my sister got married , she said she has set aside amount of money until i graduate.

[matthras]

- Your mother doesn't have to sleep in the same room as your father. Let us know if your father reacts to your mother not sleeping in the same room as him.

- Do you have any idea why your father gambles? (By this, I mean having asked him directly)

- Is there any chance of speaking to your fathers' friends? I would ask them how they would handle the situation.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by matthras

- Your mother doesn't have to sleep in the same room as your father. Let us know if your father reacts to your mother not sleeping in the same room as him.

- Do you have any idea why your father gambles? (By this, I mean having asked him directly)

- Is there any chance of speaking to your fathers' friends? I would ask them how they would handle the situation.

- There are times my mother sleep with my sister because my father is gambling in the middle of the night and all the lights are up. My father doesn't about that , he just keeps on gambling. Not even considering my mother's help.

- I'm guessing that he's just bored , because friends he hang out with everyday are also gambler.

- It's impossible to talk to his friends , because there were times i met his friends and they are bunch of people who is not so well-mannered.

Originally Posted by nard

Hi PrimeTime,

which country are you from?

I'm sorry , did u meant like Indonesia , Singapore , etc. if u meant by that , than the answer is Indonesia , and law in here is not as strict as other country like e.g. Singapore.

[nard]

Hi PrimeTime,

which country are you from?

[NvPinder]

The problem here, is that you posted this in general and it's clearly blog material.

[Apth]

Originally Posted by TAJPMoney

The problem here, is that you posted this in general and it's clearly blog material.

I think it's ok - Blogs are for topics that don't require further discussion. Things that invite discussion belong on the forums.

[Delraich]

Below is something I copied off the web. There are people trained to help you with these sorts of things, so there is no reason for you or your mum to try and solve this on your own. I don't know much about the social support services in Indonesia, but surely there must be some sort of gambling support group you can contact. Alternatively, make an appointment with your General Practitioner and ask for help - they should know what to do and give you all sorts of information on what to do next. If they cannot directly help you, they will tell you where to go next.

Gambling Addiction Treatment Options
Individuals preoccupied and controlled by gambling may seek a variety of treatments that deal with gambling addiction. Addiction treatment facilities and clinics around the globe treat a variety of addiction problems, including gambling through any or a combination of several avenues, including:

Cognitive or behavioral therapy
Rational emotive therapy (RET)
Counseling
Group support (such as Gamblers Anonymous, a 12 step recovery program similar to that engaged by alcoholics)
Inpatient or Outpatient addiction clinics or facilities

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by Delraich

Below is something I copied off the web. There are people trained to help you with these sorts of things, so there is no reason for you or your mum to try and solve this on your own. I don't know much about the social support services in Indonesia, but surely there must be some sort of gambling support group you can contact. Alternatively, make an appointment with your General Practitioner and ask for help - they should know what to do and give you all sorts of information on what to do next. If they cannot directly help you, they will tell you where to go next.

Gambling Addiction Treatment Options
Individuals preoccupied and controlled by gambling may seek a variety of treatments that deal with gambling addiction. Addiction treatment facilities and clinics around the globe treat a variety of addiction problems, including gambling through any or a combination of several avenues, including:

Cognitive or behavioral therapy
Rational emotive therapy (RET)
Counseling
Group support (such as Gamblers Anonymous, a 12 step recovery program similar to that engaged by alcoholics)
Inpatient or Outpatient addiction clinics or facilities

I haven't heard anything about group or practitioner in my country.
And for the therapy it said that it needs the gambler's willigness to admit that he has gambling problem where my father won't admit at all.

[Delraich]

Gambling Addiction and Problem Gambling (from:

I have also extracted a few bits from this website: (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/gambling_addiction.htm). Towards the bottom is a section on the people effected by the addict.

For your dad:
Seeing a therapist does not mean you are weak or can’t handle your problems. Therapy is for people who are smart enough to realize they need help. It can give you tools and support for reframing your thoughts that will last a lifetime.

Maintaining recovery for problem gambling and gambling addiction
As you may have noticed, quitting problem gambling is relatively easy. It’s staying in recovery- making a permanent commitment to stay away from gambling- that is such a challenge. Maintaining recovery for problem gambling and gambling addiction is possible if you surround yourself with people to whom you’re accountable, avoid tempting environments, give up control of your finances (at least at first), and find exciting or enjoyable activities to replace gambling.

Changing your lifestyle and making healthier choices
One way to stop yourself from problem gambling is to analyze what is needed for gambling to occur, work on removing these elements from your life and replace them with healthier choices. The four elements needed for problem gambling to continue are:

A decision: Before gambling occurs, the decision to gamble has been made. If you have an urge to gamble: stop what you are doing and call someone, think about the consequences to your actions, tell yourself to stop thinking about gambling, and find something else to do immediately.

Money: Gambling cannot occur without money. Get rid of your credit cards, let someone else be in charge of your money, have the bank make automatic payments for you, and keep a limited amount of cash on you at all times.

Time: Gambling cannot occur if you don’t have the time. Schedule enjoyable recreational time for yourself that has nothing to do with gambling, find time for relaxation, and plan outings with your family.

A game: Without a game or activity to bet on there is no opportunity to gamble. Don’t put yourself in tempting environments or locations. Tell the gambling establishments you frequent that you have a gambling problem and ask them to restrict you from betting at their casinos and establishments. (Maybe teach him to play Starcraft!!)

Maintaining recovery from problem gambling or gambling addiction depends a lot on the reasons why you were gambling in the first place. Once you’ve quit gambling, reasons such as depression, loneliness, or boredom will remain, so in order to maintain your recovery, you’ll need to address these problems. There are alternative behaviors you can substitute for gambling. Some examples include:

Sample Substitute Behaviors
To provide excitement, get a rush of adrenaline
Sport or a challenging hobby, such as mountain biking, rock climbing, or Go Kart racing
To be more social, overcome shyness
Counseling, enroll in a public speaking class, join a social group
To numb unpleasant feelings, not think about problems
Therapy, consult Helpguide’s Bring Your Life into Balance toolkit
Boredom or loneliness
Find something you’re passionate about such as art, music, sports, or books then find others with the same interests
To relax after a stressful day
As little as 15 minutes of daily exercise can relieve stress. Or deep breathing, meditation, or massage
To solve money problems
The odds are always stacked against you so it’s far better to seek help with debts from a credit counselor
Dealing with gambling cravings
Feeling the urge to gamble is normal, but that doesn’t make it any easier when you are struggling to make better choices. Remember, as you build healthier choices and a good support network, resisting cravings will be easier and easier. The following strategies can help

Reach out for support. Call a trusted family member, meet a friend for coffee, or go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting.
Do something else. Distract yourself with another activity, such as cleaning your house, going to the gym, or watching a movie.
Postpone gambling. Tell yourself that you’ll wait five minutes, fifteen minutes, or an hour — however long you think you can hold out. As you wait, the urge to gamble may pass or become weak enough to resist.
Give yourself a reality check. Visualize what will happen if you give in to the urge to gamble. Think about how you’ll feel after all your money is gone and you’ve disappointed yourself and your family again.
If you aren’t able to resist the gambling craving, don’t be too hard on yourself or use it as an excuse to give up. Overcoming a gambling addiction is a tough process. You may slip from time to time; the important thing is to learn from your mistakes and continue working towards recovery.

FOR YOU AND YOUR MUM: Helping a family member with a gambling problem

How to help with a gambling problem
Compulsive and problem gamblers often need the support of their family and friends to help them in their struggle to stop gambling. But the decision to quit has to be theirs. As much as you may want to, and as hard as it is seeing the effects, you cannot make someone stop gambling.

If your family member has a gambling problem, you may have many conflicting emotions. You may try to cover up for a loved one or spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep him or her from gambling. At the same time, you might be furious at your loved one for gambling again and tired of trying to keep up the charade. The gambler may also have borrowed (or even stolen) money from you with no way to pay it back. He or she may have sold family possessions or run up huge debts on joint credit cards. When faced with the consequences of their actions, a gambler can suffer a crushing drop in self-esteem.

Tools for family members of problem gamblers:
Start by helping yourself. You have a right to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Don’t blame yourself for the gambler’s problems. The right support can help you make positive choices for yourself, and balance encouraging your loved one to get help without losing yourself in the process.
Don’t go it alone. It can feel so overwhelming coping with a loved one’s problem gambling that it may seem easier to rationalize their requests and problems “this one last time”. Or you might feel ashamed, feeling like you are the only one who has problems like this. Reaching out for support will make you realize that many families have struggled with this problem. Or you might consider therapy to help sort out the complicated feelings that arise from coping with a problem gambler.
Set boundaries in managing money. If a loved one is serious about getting help for problem gambling, it may help if you take over the family finances to make sure the gambler stays accountable and to prevent relapse. However, this does not mean you are responsible for micromanaging the problem gamblers impulses to gamble. Your first responsibilities are to ensure that your own finances and credit are not at risk.
Consider how you will handle requests for money. Problem gamblers often become very good at asking for money, either directly or indirectly. They may use pleading, manipulation or even threats and blaming to get it. It takes time and practice to learn how you will respond to these requests to ensure you are not enabling the problem gambler and keeping your own dignity intact.

Do’s and Don't for Partners of Problem Gamblers

Do
Seek the support of others with similar problems; attend a self-help group for families such as Gam-Anon.
Explain problem gambling to the children.
Recognize your partner’s good qualities.
Remain calm when speaking to your partner about his or her gambling and its consequences.
Let your partner know that you are seeking help for your own sake because of the way gambling affects you and the children.
Understand the need for treatment of problem gambling despite the time it may involve.
Take control of family finances; review bank and credit card statements.

Don’t
Preach, lecture, or allow yourself to lose control of your anger.
Make threats or issue ultimatums unless you intend to carry them out.
Exclude the gambler from family life and activities.
Expect immediate recovery, or that all problems will be resolved when the gambling stops.
Bail out the gambler.
Cover-up or deny the existence of the problem to yourself, the family, or others.

Source: Dept. of Mental Health & Addiction Services

Quick Comments

Nemo:

Good information

[ke_ivan]

@PrimeTime

Hey, I come from a troubled background myself. My dad isn't a stable person (he was in a mental institution for a year) and he likes to think that he will be rich one day. He doesn't have any vices, but he doesn't really work either. Part of it is because he likes to unnecessary risks like trying out new ventures, and he doesn't like to be employed. Since I was 15, I was helping out with the family bills. When I was 24, I cleared the family debt (he was a big credit card spender) and basically I had my mum destroy all the credit cards. Then I left for the UK to study, by working there for 2 years on a working holiday visa. When I came back though, my parents sold the house (economic crisis) and didn't buy a new flat. My father decided to rent, and he started to feed his new addiction (feeding stray cats). I came back to a house of 20+ cats. Basically, I left it alone because I thought it was harmless. Now, my parents live apart because my mum can't support him, since he doesn't work and I am saving to finish my last year in school. We don't have a house and he sleeps in a truck which he rents. For me, I need a better income, so finishing up school is the most important thing in my mind right now. After that, it will be much easier to handle. I am 30 now.

Clearly, with addictions it's important to have family support. Without family support, this is almost impossible to handle. You need to let your mum and sister know that there are consequences to not handling this now. If you wait or think that your dad can handle himself, like I did, you could very well your house.

Your family needs to sit down and have a family meeting. Your mother, sister and yourself need to determine a course of action and stick to it. No deviations. You need to go through financial stuff, show them how this leads to utter failure to galvanise them into action. Most of the time people don't do anything because they are unaware of the consequences 5 years down the line. People are always in denial.

You need to show your father the consequences. Do it as a family. Show him the family can't maintain him and show him the potentially disastrous consequences. If fear is not a good motivator, then tell him, from now on, you will no longer indulge his demands. (i.e. you will not pay for any of his debt). Legally, if your dad is still alive, his debt should not pass on to you. Also if you choose not to accept your inheritance, you will not receive his debt as well.

You should not, in any way, support his addiction. Place controls on all the gambling websites he goes to if possible, or only allow certain websites through. If you need to, unsubscribe from the internet. This is a bigger problem than not playing SC2 or surfing, a man has to do what a man has to do. If he gets mad, he is throwing a tantrum. Tell him firmly that he cannot gamble any more in this house. It maybe his house now, but it won't be if he continues to gamble. If he gets violent, buy enough time for your family to call the police. You're nineteen now, you should be able to hold your dad back. (I had to do it when I was 15.) Once he see that you are physically stronger, he will stop being violent.

His friends might not listen to you, but it's good to ask any way. Ask them not to indulge his gambling habits. Most gamblers borrow money, so ask them not to loan him anything. Remember that addicts are manipulative - they will lie or go into a state of "good" conduct to get what they want. Do not approve of any loans for your dad. If he needs money, he will have to go to you or your mum. Your mum also needs support so provide what you can.

Go with your dad to support groups. For me it was church. I personally am agnostic, but having a community to fall back on does help. Do you have an aunt or uncle you're close to? You need to talk to them and seek advice as well. Your dad might be angry at first, but once he is surrounded by people who starve his addiction, he will improve.

Most of all, keep a cool head. If you can just stop him. If all else fails, lock him out of the house. All this sucks, I know, but just remember, you're doing it for your family and you won't be in the weak position I'm in 5 years down the line. You're the man of the house now, and I trust you'll do a good job.

Quick Comments

Nemo:

Very good advice too

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by ke_ivan

@PrimeTime

Hey, I come from a troubled background myself. My dad isn't a stable person (he was in a mental institution for a year) and he likes to think that he will be rich one day. He doesn't have any vices, but he doesn't really work either. Part of it is because he likes to unnecessary risks like trying out new ventures, and he doesn't like to be employed. Since I was 15, I was helping out with the family bills. When I was 24, I cleared the family debt (he was a big credit card spender) and basically I had my mum destroy all the credit cards. Then I left for the UK to study, by working there for 2 years on a working holiday visa. When I came back though, my parents sold the house (economic crisis) and didn't buy a new flat. My father decided to rent, and he started to feed his new addiction (feeding stray cats). I came back to a house of 20+ cats. Basically, I left it alone because I thought it was harmless. Now, my parents live apart because my mum can't support him, since he doesn't work and I am saving to finish my last year in school. We don't have a house and he sleeps in a truck which he rents. For me, I need a better income, so finishing up school is the most important thing in my mind right now. After that, it will be much easier to handle. I am 30 now.

Clearly, with addictions it's important to have family support. Without family support, this is almost impossible to handle. You need to let your mum and sister know that there are consequences to not handling this now. If you wait or think that your dad can handle himself, like I did, you could very well your house.

Your family needs to sit down and have a family meeting. Your mother, sister and yourself need to determine a course of action and stick to it. No deviations. You need to go through financial stuff, show them how this leads to utter failure to galvanise them into action. Most of the time people don't do anything because they are unaware of the consequences 5 years down the line. People are always in denial.

You need to show your father the consequences. Do it as a family. Show him the family can't maintain him and show him the potentially disastrous consequences. If fear is not a good motivator, then tell him, from now on, you will no longer indulge his demands. (i.e. you will not pay for any of his debt). Legally, if your dad is still alive, his debt should not pass on to you. Also if you choose not to accept your inheritance, you will not receive his debt as well.

You should not, in any way, support his addiction. Place controls on all the gambling websites he goes to if possible, or only allow certain websites through. If you need to, unsubscribe from the internet. This is a bigger problem than not playing SC2 or surfing, a man has to do what a man has to do. If he gets mad, he is throwing a tantrum. Tell him firmly that he cannot gamble any more in this house. It maybe his house now, but it won't be if he continues to gamble. If he gets violent, buy enough time for your family to call the police. You're nineteen now, you should be able to hold your dad back. (I had to do it when I was 15.) Once he see that you are physically stronger, he will stop being violent.

His friends might not listen to you, but it's good to ask any way. Ask them not to indulge his gambling habits. Most gamblers borrow money, so ask them not to loan him anything. Remember that addicts are manipulative - they will lie or go into a state of "good" conduct to get what they want. Do not approve of any loans for your dad. If he needs money, he will have to go to you or your mum. Your mum also needs support so provide what you can.

Go with your dad to support groups. For me it was church. I personally am agnostic, but having a community to fall back on does help. Do you have an aunt or uncle you're close to? You need to talk to them and seek advice as well. Your dad might be angry at first, but once he is surrounded by people who starve his addiction, he will improve.

Most of all, keep a cool head. If you can just stop him. If all else fails, lock him out of the house. All this sucks, I know, but just remember, you're doing it for your family and you won't be in the weak position I'm in 5 years down the line. You're the man of the house now, and I trust you'll do a good job.

I'm trying my best , it's just my mother and my sister being so passive , and my sister just finished operaton on her brain where the doctor tell us (my father , mother and me) not to give her too much too handle , her brain is still in recovering stage.
And like i type before , i have talk to my mother , she said she has set aside money for my college's fee.
My mother is worried about my sister because of this operation , her last boyfriend left him without a word and now she's single. I'm afraid if i let her in , she'll have too much pressure to handle with her current stage.

I'm suspecting that his friends also encourage him to play.
He gamble with phone and only looking for odds on the internet.

[ke_ivan]

Originally Posted by PrimeTime

I'm trying my best , it's just my mother and my sister being so passive , and my sister just finished operaton on her brain where the doctor tell us (my father , mother and me) not to give her too much too handle , her brain is still in recovering stage.
And like i type before , i have talk to my mother , she said she has set aside money for my college's fee.
My mother is worried about my sister because of this operation , her last boyfriend left him without a word and now she's single. I'm afraid if i let her in , she'll have too much pressure to handle with her current stage.

I'm suspecting that his friends also encourage him to play.
He gamble with phone and only looking for odds on the internet.

Yeah, he probably uses bookies to gamble. If he's not paying for his phone bill, you might want to cut his phone line. Obviously, this is more complicated - I put my dad on pay-as-you-go to prevent him from over-extending himself and I stopped the internet plans, but this is different because bookies don't care about whether you have enough money to pay or not.

I agree that now is probably not the best time to let your sister in on this. You should at least tell him that by doing this, it will worsen your sister's condition. Tell him not to do it anymore for the sake of his family. If he doesn't listen, all of you might just have to abandon ship. This is obviously the last resort, but sometimes the best thing is to just leave. It's not an easy decision, so you need to think about the consequences carefully.

You should talk to your mum about this. Just tell her that this has to stop. Ask your telco if you can have certain numbers restricted. Get your dad a plan with no internet. And take care of yourself. You're the key to solving all this.

You see, right now, he's gambled, but he really hasn't lost anything important to him. Right now, he's just thinking of himself. If he was really thinking about the family, he would not put his family in this position. Remember that, and you will know how to make your decisions.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by ke_ivan

Yeah, he probably uses bookies to gamble. If he's not paying for his phone bill, you might want to cut his phone line. Obviously, this is more complicated - I put my dad on pay-as-you-go to prevent him from over-extending himself and I stopped the internet plans, but this is different because bookies don't care about whether you have enough money to pay or not.

I agree that now is probably not the best time to let your sister in on this. You should at least tell him that by doing this, it will worsen your sister's condition. Tell him not to do it anymore for the sake of his family. If he doesn't listen, all of you might just have to abandon ship. This is obviously the last resort, but sometimes the best thing is to just leave. It's not an easy decision, so you need to think about the consequences carefully.

You should talk to your mum about this. Just tell her that this has to stop. Ask your telco if you can have certain numbers restricted. Get your dad a plan with no internet. And take care of yourself. You're the key to solving all this.

You see, right now, he's gambled, but he really hasn't lost anything important to him. Right now, he's just thinking of himself. If he was really thinking about the family, he would not put his family in this position. Remember that, and you will know how to make your decisions.

He's paying the his phone bill by himself.
In my country , we have less practitioner with solution and advice for this kind of things.
Eventhough i stop his phone , he'll just look for another , because all his friends he hang out with are also gamblers.
I'll just look for the right time to talk about it.
For now i need to calm myself so that when i confront him , i can talk and do as i plan to and not letting anger take over.

[Insom]

where does he gamble?

Alter the hosts file so it blocks out the sites he gambles from, that way he can have his laptop but he cant gamble the money away

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by Insom

where does he gamble?

Alter the hosts file so it blocks out the sites he gambles from, that way he can have his laptop but he cant gamble the money away

The site his looking is a site for the odds on betting.
He bets with phoning his friends.
My Father is the type who has a high ego and i believe being with his friends who i can't tell him to befriends with urge him to gamble again.

[Zeion]

@Prime

sorry i am not a professional in these aspect but.. since i am on an IT field, i can advice you on how to set up proxy that will banned gambling sites.

or you can just unsubscribe your home internet line and use those mobile broadband which allows you to control internet usage and as long you don't teach him on how the connection work, it wouldn't allows him to even be on the web let alone gamble =)

[majhra]

PrimeTime - it's a tough situation. I've worked as a therapist helping others with addictions for some years so I have some appreciation of what you're going through. And as helpful as sc2sea users are, they are no substitute for professional help. My advice: Call a gambling line and tell them what's going on. They work with people like you and your father every single day. Even without your father admitting a problem, they can help you help him.

In short:
- You don't have to do it alone.
- You are the catalyst for his change.
- He can overcome the addiction - it's not that hard with commitment and dedication.
- Call a gambling line and talk.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by majhra

PrimeTime - it's a tough situation. I've worked as a therapist helping others with addictions for some years so I have some appreciation of what you're going through. And as helpful as sc2sea users are, they are no substitute for professional help. My advice: Call the gambling line and tell them what's going on. They work with people like you and your father every single day. Even without your father admitting a problem, they can help you help him.

In short:
- You don't have to do it alone.
- You are the catalyst for his change.
- He can overcome the addiction - it's not that hard with commitment and dedication.
- Call the gambling line and talk.

do u know any gambling line in Indonesia ? because so far i haven't heard anything about things like that in Indonesia.

[majhra]

Yeah - good point - didn't realise you were in indonesia. I don't know if there is one, my initial guess is yes. Even if there isn't you can probably get assistance email wise (possibly even skype) via other countries. Australia has many groups that help. One example is www.problemgambling.vic.gov.au.

[Hybrid]

I would probably get rid of the laptop so he can't use it. Your mother will not be sleeping when there is no house if he loses everything. If you father can go a month without gambling, Its seems more of an impulsive behaviour and poor decision making rather than a physical addiction- if he was truley addicted he would be doing it non stop, but he is going a whole month and has a few smaller bets than gets carried away and has a big bet after multiple smaller bets.

If it were my dad and he got louder and verbally abusive, bad luck mate is all i would say to him.

Another option could be although not the best and likely not to work due to his impulsiveness is to give him a "bankroll" and say to manage this by having 100 smaller bets, if you lose it it is NO MORE money for you.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by Hybrid

I would probably get rid of the laptop so he can't use it. Your mother will not be sleeping when there is no house if he loses everything. If you father can go a month without gambling, Its seems more of an impulsive behaviour and poor decision making rather than a physical addiction- if he was truley addicted he would be doing it non stop, but he is going a whole month and has a few smaller bets than gets carried away and has a big bet after multiple smaller bets.

If it were my dad and he got louder and verbally abusive, bad luck mate is all i would say to him.

Another option could be although not the best and likely not to work due to his impulsiveness is to give him a "bankroll" and say to manage this by having 100 smaller bets, if you lose it it is NO MORE money for you.

He's not the type to be satisfied by just small bet , he just started small , and whenever he ask us for the internet connection and laptop , he'll always say " Relax , i only bet a two three million rupiah. " , and over time he won't get satisfied by winning with small bet , and eventually he'll bet bigger with 25million rupiah and above , and then eventually he'll lose and be all desperate for a week and so , and after the month and so , he'll re-do it again by saying " Don't worry , this time i only bet a two three million rupiah. "

[ToRDeathsFang]

I have no advice to give but all i an say is all the best and i hope it works out for yourself and your family in your time of need. I hope you find a way to end it.

[PantlessPete]

All the good advice has already been said, so I'll just add my own heartfelt sentiment that you can sort it out. Good luck!

[Sagachii]

I'm so sorry I can't provide any help, I'm not quite sure how to approach the situation but I just want to say that I wish you all the best! I have much respect and appreciation for your situation and you, i think its brave that your taking such responsibility, hope it works out for you and your family. Fighting~

[AlphaWhale]

My father is/was a problem gambler. My parents eventually split up and nothing has changed, I stopped talking to him after he told me he won the lottery and bought a race horse (a quarter of a race horse). Which I later read came dead ******* last. So it's probably the most expensive glue he's ever bought.

To put this in perspective, my parents split when I was 8. Now I'm 21, my father is still the same man my mother left.

These types of men are leeches than pin their futures on miracles and dreams. They're not fit to be fathers in the slightest. Any man that puts anything before his family is scum, and any man that puts a game of chance before his family is lower than that.

You can have dreams, but when it is simply delusion it is not the same. There's no "treatment" for these "illnesses" because they are not physical afflictions but character flaws.

You can love your father, but you can hate everything that makes him who he is at the same time. That's family.

My words of advice are: Get out while you can. Your sister and mother, too.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by AlphaWhale

My father is/was a problem gambler. My parents eventually split up and nothing has changed, I stopped talking to him after he told me he won the lottery and bought a race horse (a quarter of a race horse). Which I later read came dead ******* last. So it's probably the most expensive glue he's ever bought.

To put this in perspective, my parents split when I was 8. Now I'm 21, my father is still the same man my mother left.

These types of men are leeches than pin their futures on miracles and dreams. They're not fit to be fathers in the slightest. Any man that puts anything before his family is scum, and any man that puts a game of chance before his family is lower than that.

You can have dreams, but when it is simply delusion it is not the same. There's no "treatment" for these "illnesses" because they are not physical afflictions but character flaws.

You can love your father, but you can hate everything that makes him who he is at the same time. That's family.

My words of advice are: Get out while you can. Your sister and mother, too.

Eventhough all the things he has done , i won't turn my back on him , because he's my father , the one who raise me since my first cries in this world.
I just hope for a better solution rather than leaving him.

[PrimeTime]

Thanks for all the support people.

[Next_rim]

Take his wallet with all credit cards away from him, remove all laptop chargers and PC power chords. He will have lots of trouble and hassle to replace those, and then you can just do it again.

And don't listen to your mom. Allow me to be straightforward. People are weak and do stupid things when under emotional pressure. And she is under enormous pressure. She will tell you to fix things for your dad. Don't. My advice is as such because I went through something similar.

I had to be very rough to both my parents when they divorced. They both did huge mistakes just because they were mad at random things. My mother was so depressed, she decided not to ever work again. She kept saying she was too old (43? lolwut?) to find a good job, that no1 needed her anymore. She wanted to pass by on savings until I graduate and work to support both of us.

She also decided to bring action in court against my father so she could get as much cash as possible out of him. I hid property allowances for our countryhouse just so my Mom couldn't go to fight for it in court. Without the papers, she wouldn't be able to prove 50% of it belonged to her. She wanted to sell it and get the money just so she could keep being unemployed and live on savings.

I took her driving license and reported her to police when she took off to the pension fund to withdraw savings. She got stopped by police and had her car taken away for 2 weeks. And I knew she is the kind of person who would rather choke herself, but would never take a cab or walk.

When she asked me to help with a cash deposit, we both went to the bank, and I played it so the account was on my name, so she couldn't withdraw the money whenever she wanted to. She ran out of accessible savings money 8 months and had to look for a proper job. Without an urgent drive to do so, she would've never do that. I know she wanted just to wait for me to graduate and find a job, and support us both, while she does nothing. Awesome plan, except for that completely ruined my masters degree prospects and any chance to move out and live together with gf.

It's been 3 years now, and she is doing fine. So am I. I do regret some of my actions and decisions had to be taken, but I think it was necessary. I was 19 then, just like you.

Lesson from that? You have to be very tough. These family shenanigans take a lot of willpower to pull off. It is especially painful, because it's your parents, the closest people you will ever have. It's only your call. People don't fix their own shit. Unless you take direct and focused action, change will never occur. I learned it very hard way when I left for college abroad at age of 15. Now, 7 years later, everything I had to do seems so obvious and simple, but at the moment the choice had to be made - very tough decisions. Stop thinking, start doing things.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by Next_rim

Take his wallet with all credit cards away from him, remove all laptop chargers and PC power chords. He will have lots of trouble and hassle to replace those, and then you can just do it again.

And don't listen to your mom. Allow me to be straightforward. People are weak and do stupid things when under emotional pressure. And she is under enormous pressure. She will tell you to fix things for your dad. Don't. My advice is as such because I went through something similar.

I had to be very rough to both my parents when they divorced. They both did huge mistakes just because they were mad at random things. My mother was so depressed, she decided not to ever work again. She kept saying she was too old (43? lolwut?) to find a good job, that no1 needed her anymore. She wanted to pass by on savings until I graduate and work to support both of us.

She also decided to bring action in court against my father so she could get as much cash as possible out of him. I hid property allowances for our countryhouse just so my Mom couldn't go to fight for it in court. Without the papers, she wouldn't be able to prove 50% of it belonged to her. She wanted to sell it and get the money just so she could keep being unemployed and live on savings.

I took her driving license and reported her to police when she took off to the pension fund to withdraw savings. She got stopped by police and had her car taken away for 2 weeks. And I knew she is the kind of person who would rather choke herself, but would never take a cab or walk.

When she asked me to help with a cash deposit, we both went to the bank, and I played it so the account was on my name, so she couldn't withdraw the money whenever she wanted to. She ran out of accessible savings money 8 months and had to look for a proper job. Without an urgent drive to do so, she would've never do that. I know she wanted just to wait for me to graduate and find a job, and support us both, while she does nothing. Awesome plan, except for that completely ruined my masters degree prospects and any chance to move out and live together with gf.

It's been 3 years now, and she is doing fine. So am I. I do regret some of my actions and decisions had to be taken, but I think it was necessary. I was 19 then, just like you.

Lesson from that? You have to be very tough. These family shenanigans take a lot of willpower to pull off. It is especially painful, because it's your parents, the closest people you will ever have. It's only your call. People don't fix their own shit. Unless you take direct and focused action, change will never occur. I learned it very hard way when I left for college abroad at age of 15. Now, 7 years later, everything I had to do seems so obvious and simple, but at the moment the choice had to be made - very tough decisions. Stop thinking, start doing things.

If i do things like taking his connection and laptop , i'm afraid the one who will suffer the most from the argue is my mother , he doesn't scream or get physical with me , but he scream to my mother , and the after-effect will be my mother lacks of sleep and restless , which i would rather avoid.

[QuestionMark]

I worked in a casino for 1 1/2 years, I know how gamblers can be. They are really tough to handle.

http://www.ncpg.org.sg/

It's the best solution I can think of.
Any other advise that can be given verbally won't really work. Trust me.
I don't know if it'll help, but my best advise is the site I suggested.
Do take a look at it

[jason]

Is he a Christian? Are you a Christian?
Whatever the answer is, please bring him to church and ask for help there.
There are a lot of cases in my church where people were drug addicts / gamblers and stuff and made the family going into poverty. But going to church changed everything. Please trust me bring him to church. I am serious. Even though this post may not seem like as if I care, I actually do understand how you feel, and I do feel for you, so please, bring him to church. It will help a lot if not solve everything.

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by QuestionMark

I worked in a casino for 1 1/2 years, I know how gamblers can be. They are really tough to handle.

http://www.ncpg.org.sg/

It's the best solution I can think of.
Any other advise that can be given verbally won't really work. Trust me.
I don't know if it'll help, but my best advise is the site I suggested.
Do take a look at it

Yes i will take a look at it , thanks

Originally Posted by jason

Is he a Christian? Are you a Christian?
Whatever the answer is, please bring him to church and ask for help there.
There are a lot of cases in my church where people were drug addicts / gamblers and stuff and made the family going into poverty. But going to church changed everything. Please trust me bring him to church. I am serious. Even though this post may not seem like as if I care, I actually do understand how you feel, and I do feel for you, so please, bring him to church. It will help a lot if not solve everything.

No , he's a Buddhist and even as a Buddhist , he doesn't go to temple , maybe at least once a year or none at all. And he won't come to the Church with me because he's not interested at all.

[nard]

hi PrimeTime, I asked which country you are from because if you are from Singapore, I can offer my services to you and your family free of charge. I am a trained counsellor in gambling addiction. nonetheless, I would like try my best to help you out.

Firstly, I only read the opening post and your response to my question so bear with me if some of the things i say is a repeat of what others have said.

Helping a gambling addict overcome his addiction is not only the responsibility of a counsellor, but also the gambler and his family. Reading your opening post, your father does realise the pitfalls of gambling but his problem would simply be that he does not realise that he himself is a gambling addict.

Step one would be to get him to admit that he is a gambling addict. Whilst you have pointed out that this is not an easy task, it also the first and most important step towards overcoming the addiction.
Try having a family talk. Where everyone talks to him. Do not use an accusatory tone or a "i am better than you" ie. superior tone. Get him to agree with small things related to gambling... start with the small things like "The odds always favour the house/bookie". Move on to slightly bigger proclamations like "I have lost more times than I have won" and follow it up with "I have lost money which could be better spent elsewhere." It is important that you move on to bigger proclamations after he had agreed with the smaller ones. Do not move on until you have made him agree with you with the statements. It is also important that the whole family is present.

Your final statement should be along the lines of

"I have a gambing addiction"

"I know gambling is bad but I can't stop"

The moment you get him to agree to either of the two statements is the first step towards recovery.

Step two

Let him know gambling hurts the family.
Keep reiterating stories of how gambling has split families up (like his friend).
It is important to do this only after you have successfully completed step one.

Step Three

Engage him with family activities. Keep him busy.
I have noticed that your father does not work. This is particularly unfavourable for your situation because he has a lot of time on his hands and the rest of your family might not due to school/work commitments.
I read that your father uses bookies to gamble, I take it to mean that he bets on football games most of the time.
Engage him during the weekends (when most matches are played) and particularly during the World Cup or European Cup tournaments. Do not let him get distracted by the ongoing matches.


I am off to dinner now and would be following this thread.
I hope this reply would help you and your family on the way to recovery from gambling addiction.

Best Regards.

Quick Comments

	Nemo:
	Aean(::
	Cyanide:
	nirvAnA:

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by nard

hi PrimeTime, I asked which country you are from because if you are from Singapore, I can offer my services to you and your family free of charge. I am a trained counsellor in gambling addiction. nonetheless, I would like try my best to help you out.

Firstly, I only read the opening post and your response to my question so bear with me if some of the things i say is a repeat of what others have said.

Helping a gambling addict overcome his addiction is not only the responsibility of a counsellor, but also the gambler and his family. Reading your opening post, your father does realise the pitfalls of gambling but his problem would simply be that he does not realise that he himself is a gambling addict.

Step one would be to get him to admit that he is a gambling addict. Whilst you have pointed out that this is not an easy task, it also the first and most important step towards overcoming the addiction.
Try having a family talk. Where everyone talks to him. Do not use an accusatory tone or a "i am better than you" ie. superior tone. Get him to agree with small things related to gambling... start with the small things like "The odds always favour the house/bookie". Move on to slightly bigger proclamations like "I have lost more times than I have won" and follow it up with "I have lost money which could be better spent elsewhere." It is important that you move on to bigger proclamations after he had agreed with the smaller ones. Do not move on until you have made him agree with you with the statements. It is also important that the whole family is present.

Your final statement should be along the lines of

"I have a gambing addiction"

"I know gambling is bad but I can't stop"

The moment you get him to agree to either of the two statements is the first step towards recovery.

Step two

Let him know gambling hurts the family.
Keep reiterating stories of how gambling has split families up (like his friend).
It is important to do this only after you have successfully completed step one.

Step Three

Engage him with family activities. Keep him busy.
I have noticed that your father does not work. This is particularly unfavourable for your situation because he has a lot of time on his hands and the rest of your family might not due to school/work commitments.
I read that your father uses bookies to gamble, I take it to mean that he bets on football games most of the time.
Engage him during the weekends (when most matches are played) and particularly during the World Cup or European Cup tournaments. Do not let him get distracted by the ongoing matches.


I am off to dinner now and would be following this thread.
I hope this reply would help you and your family on the way to recovery from gambling addiction.

Best Regards.

There are times everyday at around 6pm when i got home from work and my mother and sister is sitting in the living room watching TV , after around half and hour , my father will come home (usually) , Do you think it's a good time if before my father comes home , i told my mother and sister that it needs to have a family talk with him ?
I believe my sister will follow , but my mother.. She's more like the passive type and i guessing that she would rather say " Let him be , don't fight anymore , don't talk about it anymore. "
How do i convince my mother that having a family talk is the best way ?

And when the family talk or maybe just a four-eyes talk between me and him , is it good if i told him that the effect of the gambles for my college like , my future and my sister's ?

How do i engage to him during weekends ? Because in my family , most night of the weekends , we end up at home sitting talking , or eventually entering our own rooms.

Yes he bets on football games all the time. And as time goes , if he lost , he'll try to bet bigger so that he'll "get even" , which often leads to big lost.

[nard]

Originally Posted by PrimeTime

There are times everyday at around 6pm when i got home from work and my mother and sister is sitting in the living room watching TV , after around half and hour , my father will come home (usually) , Do you think it's a good time if before my father comes home , i told my mother and sister that it needs to have a family talk with him ?
I believe my sister will follow , but my mother.. She's more like the passive type and i guessing that she would rather say " Let him be , don't fight anymore , don't talk about it anymore. "
How do i convince my mother that having a family talk is the best way ?

And when the family talk or maybe just a four-eyes talk between me and him , is it good if i told him that the effect of the gambles for my college like , my future and my sister's ?

How do i engage to him during weekends ? Because in my family , most night of the weekends , we end up at home sitting talking , or eventually entering our own rooms.

Yes he bets on football games all the time. And as time goes , if he lost , he'll try to bet bigger so that he'll "get even" , which often leads to big lost.

How do i convince my mother that having a family talk is the best way ?
ask your mother if he wants her husband to improve. if yes, then allow him to let him see the number of people he is hurting.

And when the family talk or maybe just a four-eyes talk between me and him , is it good if i told him that the effect of the gambles for my college like , my future and my sister's ?

dependent. while i would like to say that its good to say that and all, we have to ask ourselves, who is his favourite here? his wife, his daughter or you? play up the effect his behaviour is affecting his favourite.


How do i engage to him during weekends ? Because in my family , most night of the weekends , we end up at home sitting talking , or eventually entering our own rooms.

a change in routine is necessary. or hog the TV without letting him watch football.
or to let him get over his addiction, make small friendly bets with him but this is not recommended.

[Nemo]

No child should have to deal with irresponsible parents like that ...

I can't add any better advice that have been said but I would like to say I'm immensely impressed by your courage, sense of responsibility and dignity. Just continue to fight, what you're doing is what has to be done.

Quick Comments

Sagachii:

this is exactly what i wanted to say! :)

[aztecx]

You're 19, smack him up a bit.

No but really, gambling is a really strange vice. I think gambling addiction is far different to a drug or alcohol addiction. People that think logically in most situations can obviously see that placing a bet is a negative investment, whilst others are very results orientated and believe in luck. People that can think logically about gambling are less likely to get addicted in my opinion, if they even decide to gamble in the first place.

I don't know if there is a correlation between intelligence and likelihood of addiction since a lot of very smart people in history have been huge gamblers.

[littlemozart]

Perhaps you could lay down a few scenarios for your dad to think about, given the fact that your family's financial situation isnt well

One example i can think of is where one of your family members fell ill and is in need of a large sum of money for treatment. Let your father know that if he squanders the family reserves away via gambling, there will be no money for whoever that is in urgent need of treatment. What happens next? Your family have to sell house, borrow money, homeless, basically in a situation that im sure your father do not want to be in. If he truly still cares for the family, im sure this little situation will give him some food for thought, or at least he would gamble with more awareness and limits himself such that he does not deplete the family reserves.

Another example could be your future, explain to him how important college is to you, and sustaining school fees is no joke. If your family cant support you for your education, its basically an even tougher life ahead for you and your family.

I feel the key is to let your father be aware of the consequences of the worst case scenarios, and if this do not work, then you just have to battle it out with him man to man, as im pretty sure you do not want to be in the "worst case scenario" situation, hence you have to step up

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by Nemo

No child should have to deal with irresponsible parents like that ...

I can't add any better advice that have been said but I would like to say I'm immensely impressed by your courage, sense of responsibility and dignity. Just continue to fight, what you're doing is what has to be done.

As i'm getting older , i started to have my own perspective view and my own believes.
Thanks for ur support.

Originally Posted by littlemozart

Perhaps you could lay down a few scenarios for your dad to think about, given the fact that your family's financial situation isnt well

One example i can think of is where one of your family members fell ill and is in need of a large sum of money for treatment. Let your father know that if he squanders the family reserves away via gambling, there will be no money for whoever that is in urgent need of treatment. What happens next? Your family have to sell house, borrow money, homeless, basically in a situation that im sure your father do not want to be in. If he truly still cares for the family, im sure this little situation will give him some food for thought, or at least he would gamble with more awareness and limits himself such that he does not deplete the family reserves.

Another example could be your future, explain to him how important college is to you, and sustaining school fees is no joke. If your family cant support you for your education, its basically an even tougher life ahead for you and your family.

I feel the key is to let your father be aware of the consequences of the worst case scenarios, and if this do not work, then you just have to battle it out with him man to man, as im pretty sure you do not want to be in the "worst case scenario" situation, hence you have to step up

There was time one of my family , my sister felt ill , and our family went to Singapore and found out there's something wrong with inside her brain and need a small operation to take the unwanted thing out from the brain , this is where everybody broke down to emotional pressure because this is the first operation needed for one of my family , and my father stop gambling because of this , because it needs a huge pile of money , but after the surgery done and when my sister started to feel better and better , my father gambles again.
Yes , i am planning that when there's a family talk or only me and him alone in the room , i would wanna discuss this matters and ask to him.

[crAzerk]

This thread brings tears to my eyes. I'm deeply moved by how supportive the whole community is.
I wish you all the best Primetime, hope you're able to find a solution to this with the help of the SC2SEA community and your family and friends.

[divinesage]

I think the whole family needs to constantly remind him that he shouldn't gamble at all (yes, not even a single cent). If he promises that he will not gamble again, the whole family, including your mother and sister needs to take a more active role in reminding him of his promise.

It's not easy but the best way to change the behaviour of somebody is to constatly make him realise his promise and make sure he DOES NOT at any time at all gamble. The moment he does, everything goes back to square one again.

All the best for your family. If it still does not work I guess looking for relatives/friends to help him would be a good idea.

[Zanderax]

Ill probably get laughed at by saying this but praying has helped me in so many ways. Ill be praying for you and I know God will do whats best.

Quick Comments

	Nemo:	You care, whatever everyone beleif, that's what important
	TAavanar:	i dont think praying will help....
	ZergGirl:

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by Zanderax

Ill probably get laughed at by saying this but praying has helped me in so many ways. Ill be praying for you and I know God will do whats best.

Yeah i do pray , i'm a 50-50 Catholic - Buddhist.
I'm kinda into Catholic because of my ex-girlfriend , and after we broke up , i still do like Catholic..
I do pray about this.. i believe god has plan for all of us , this is a challenge of life for me to overcome , and he'll help me but he works in his own time , so we won't know when the help will come , but when it doess , it'll sure boost up our life..
That is what i believe

[YJY]

I use to be a gambler, so take my advice. The first step is the hardest step, which is obviously quitting. I had to ban myself from all poker clients and sports books, in order to not get tempted again. Once you do this, you will find it much easier to not gamble.

Take my advice. You can't win. I'm not talking in monetary terms, but every time you gamble tell yourself that.

Quick Comments

Nemo:

[YJY]

and dont hav ea ******* family talk. keep your problems to yourself. tleling your family does nothing but upset your parents. you can do this iwthout them

[YJY]

oh wait its your dad

[PrimeTime]

Originally Posted by YJY

oh wait its your dad

Hello YYJ or YJY , are u the same person ?
i have read all ur post and it made me laugh.. u were all mad and etc , at the end u found out it's not me who got the problem , it's my dad.. that is hilarious..

[biogenie]

Originally Posted by PrimeTime

Hello sc2sea ,
Yes most of u will ask who i am , i'm just a bronze player in Starcraft 2 , so most or even all the people won't recognise me.
I love this forum and has been actively checking for updates but never post anything myself because i know not a thing more than the people in here , but i read a lot from here.

And since this is the only forum i'm active in , i would like to ask for solution and advice.
I'm currently dealing with my father who has a gambling problem and getting worse and worse.
This cycle has occur to me in my family for like since i know about things.
He would first gamble with small amount of money , then after a while time , he will start betting bigger and bigger , and eventually lose big bet , after the huge lost , he would said to me , my mother and my sister to keep the gadget like laptop and internet connection from him , and promised us that he won't gamble again , and after a month or so , he would ask for the laptop and internet connection again , if we don't give him , he'll stare to me and my sister with angry look , and will ask again with a louder voice and keep louder until we give him , there was a couple time where he go physical with my mother , that was when i was still like 10 years old. After receiving his laptop and internet connection , he'll gamble again with small amount of money and eventually the cycle will go around again.
He's currently in his mid 50s , and has no job , where the money left to support our family is the pension money and previous works' money.
He doesn't have any more income and still he gamble away what is left.

I have search the internet and found that there's treatment but need a his willingness , where it's an impossible things to do because he won't admit that he has gambling problem.
Worst of all , most of his friends he hangs out everyday are richer than him , and gamble too.

My mother and my sister is a passive type , and they just can scold him with few words , but then let him gamble , everytime he asks for laptop and internet connection , things won't do good in our family , i will argue with him , but my mother will stop me , telling me to give him what he wants just so that my mother can go to sleep.
My mother even buy sleeping pills because sometimes , when he gambles in the middle of the night , he open all the lights in the room and my mother won't get a chance to sleep.
Sometimes my mother even move to my sister's bedroom and sleep with my sister.
Some of the nights my mother will come to my room and have a chat with me and told me how stress she is , and telling me how tide financial is and father is making it worse , and etc.
My mother once told me that financial in our family is very tide , and starting to go down faster with my father's gambling.
I can't bare seeing my mother so desperately and patiently holding her tears and cries.

He ever once told us (my family) , that one of his friend got bankrupt because of gambling and has lost everything , from a big house , elite cars , etc. Now he's in jail , and his wife is trying her best to live the life with nothing much left , but he never took any lesson from what he told us.

I'm 19 years old (1992) , am going to enter college this year , i'm afraid that things will get worse and worse in my family , i'm afraid i can't finish my college because of father and losing everything.
What i wish is to be able to finish college and be sucessful and can live my own and take over the leading financial in my family where i'm the one in control.

I'm in a desperate moment where i don't know what to do , whom to talk , i just hope by posting in this forum , i'll get solution and stop things before it goes worse and worse.

Any advices and solutions given by people from sc2sea will sure be a help for me.


Thanks for reading,
You have my regards,
PrimeTime

Mate I am prolly a little too late with this reply... But I only saw this more recently, via the "sporting bet" post.

To be honest, I really empathise with your situation cause I gone through this when I was younger..similar to you my dad was an obessive compulsive gambler... It wasn't pretty...

I shall say this gamblers in general have a OCD problem... They are fixated by the need to win, or simply fill this empty psychological gap... In that sense, I reckon it would be best if you tried to help lure your dad away from home, this is what I gather that he prolly gambles online... Similar to how other OCDs patient, the only real help is family....

For me... I knew my dad was in love with the game of golf... So it took some time.. but slowly and surely going out for practise range/ or simply an adventure trip to m'sia for cheaper games became more of a habit; rather than planning the next cruise trip on the agenda...

At the end of the day, gamblers need to diversify their attention. They need to realise that the FACT of the game is more often than not FIXED. I am not saying this out of my bad experience, rather, I believe that if you take a look around, the most profitable "vice" is gambling.

And it doesnt take a fool to realise that only the big corps - gambling corps, are the ones building the mega resorts at ridiculous prices. OR sponsoring the big teams in EPL / Real Madrid. Just take a look around... Its really hard to get that in their head at first... But like any habit or routine, it has to be cultivated...

Personally speaking from what I read, I hope you don't mind me saying, but your family seem to be at home quite a bit? So for the good of your family and prolly for the good of everyone, maybe you can be the motivator and get everyone out.

Go for a Movie.

Watch a play or local drama.

Plan with Tiger air your next holiday location yearly? or bi yearly?

Take a road trip

Go to your famous temple in Solo.

There is more to life than what there is at home.
And to everyone home means a different thing, but surely, to all, home is somewhere you wanna feel most comfortable and yourself.

So with that in your mind.. start building a home for you, and your family again..

All the best mate...

If you wanna talk more... add me on skype / pm...

Cheers.

Quick Comments

Nemo:

[PrimeTime]

Thanks BioGenie , Sure i want to add u , please PM me ur skype or anything that i can contact.

[biogenie]

my skype id: biogenie1

You'll Never Walk Alone mate