[ToRSpartaz]

Hi Guys!!!

I apologise for the huge wall of text, I just was wondering if I could get some feedback on the Speech I have to present in the morning T_T wrote it in a couple of hours so im hoping for the best essentially. Would love to hear some feedback guys

"Architecture has been defined as “The art or practice of designing and constructing buildings.” To me architecture is the creation of spaces that are used to benefit the wants and needs of the individuals that use them. This is precisely what the architects who designed our school Albany Senior High School have done. They have created spaces in our schools that not only strengthen and develop that student teacher relationship but they have created an environment where students aspire to achieving greater than they would ever dreamed.

The first thing that you would notice coming into our school environment is the strong relationships between the students and teachers of Albany Senior High School. Through the creation of these learning spaces, it has greatly contributed to the development of the trust, respect and relationship between teachers and students. In spaces such as these that we have at our school, it encourages closer interaction and in more one on one and group situations then what you would typically have in a classroom situation. As a result of this the communication between students and teachers is exceptional because the teachers are so always willing to listen to you as a student and respect what you are trying to say. Another benefit to come of this strong relationship is the fact that teachers are more willing to dedicate time and effort into students both in class and out of class because of the relationship between their students.

One thing that is noticeable about the use of these learning spaces is the behaviour that this learning environment promotes for students at ours school. Personally coming from a background of learning in a typical classroom situation, before being introduced to the concept of a “learning space”. I found that in a classroom situation there is always the ones who do “stupid” things to attract attention of their classmates. In wide open spaces like these, students don’t feel the need to do these kinds of things to attract the attention and look stupid in front of say 80 other people in the learning area. Something I have found that over the last few years of being at Albany Senior High was how much these learning spaces have contributed to my development as an individual. The design of the learning spaces really encourages student self-motivation and independence and I know for me personally it this style of learning has really helped me develop and inspire me to do greater things.

For me personally these learning spaces have really contributed to my success across my 3 years at Albany Senior High. From level 1 NCEA to my final year of at this amazing school. I have found that learning in this kind of environment promoted by the creation of learning spaces from the architects at Jasmax have especially had an impact across all my subjects but more so to the regards of English and Calculus. My English periods are a prime example of how these spaces are used effectively to the benefit of its students. I find from time to time it can get quite noisy with the dance studio across the other side of the learning common, but I find that this even motivates me more to focus on what we are doing. But not only do these spaces encourage the students to excel in what they are doing, but each period my teacher come around and always involves each group in a class discussion, really getting involved and challenging our thoughts and ideals. And so, no matter the comment or idea is each and every one of us feels our opinions and ideas that we contribute are appreciated and valued. In more of a practical subject like Calculus, these spaces still promote that closer interaction between teacher and students. At the end of each new skill that our teacher may be teaching us, she will always come round and ask us individually how we feel about what we are doing and what she can do to help us achieve as high as we can.

These learning spaces have also contributed to the idea behind tutorials and our impact projects. In each and every learning common, there are specialist teachers and students available if you need any help with English, maths or technology for example. It sells that idea of that you aren’t in a classroom environment, but more in an integrated learning environment.

Without a doubt, learning in this environment and culture that has been created at Albany Senior High it definitely has had a huge impact on my future career. I am lucky to be able to participate in this amazing idea that Barbara has talked about on “Impact Project” day. My very first project that I participated in was the “Gateway “program where I spent 12 weeks at the architectural firm Jasmax. I was very fortunate to be able to participate in this program, because I learned so many new and exciting ideas that were involved in this industry and because most of all it really confirmed that my dream that I have had since I was young to create these spaces and produce outstanding designs, is what I want to do for future career. And so from this opportunity I have continued following my passion, with further architectural related projects where I spent 1 semester looking into sustainable design. Where I came across such experts in the community just as Johann Bernhadt, who taught us such important ideas such as “Passive Solar Design” an idea that I never fail to include in all of my work. At the end of my project, what I find amazing still is how the learning spaces really promote that sense of community, for those who were in my learning common were always interested to learn and hear about these ideas and experiences from our group. To further challenge myself, for my latest impact project I have decided to enter the “Young Designers Award Scheme” where I am going to be designing commercial architecture by coming up with a solution to a tourist café brief.

I for one am definitely grateful to be a part of this learning experiences, I truly believe that these spaces that the architects have created have not only contributed to the development of me as an individual and also challenging me to aim higher and dream bigger, but to really encouraging my fellow students to do the same. For this I am quite thankful to be a part of.

Thank you for listening."


Cheers guys. Apparently this conference is really high stakes T_T

Quick Comments

	VB_Blake:	i'm gonna be honest; I didn't read it all but from what I did it looks solid. Good luck man :D
	Bash:	Pretty good.
	mGGAequitas:	tl;dr but i assume'd it was well written and interesting because of how long it was.

[Zanderax]

So sexy. Can I have a strong relationship with this speech?
Good job Spart, just make sure you do a good delivery

[ToRSpartaz]

Done for now.

[Bash]

Can you give us some context for it please?

IE : Who is it aimed at? Whats its "purpose"? (Persuasive/Informative?)

Also in terms of Delivery, i'm sure you'll smash it, nerds usually do

[ToRSpartaz]

Sigh*

apparently its aimed at Uni students and principals throughout nz and aus and so clearly persuasive in regards to this system in modern schooling.

[Apth]

K gonna type notes as I read through it. These are suggestions; especially since this is a speech, it's more important that it sounds natural to you.

Don't open with the definition, open with what architecture is to you. Sounds more genuine. I'd consider dropping the definition bit entirely. People know what architecture is.

"In spaces such as these that we have at our school, it encourages closer interaction"
should read
"Spaces such as these that we have at our school encourages closer interaction"

“learning space” probably doesn't need quotes, while "stupid" could probably use some air quotes (literally making little bunny ears with your fingers) to avoid insulting people. There are some other quote marks that you probably don't need because you'll be reading it out, but I just wanted to make mention of the "stupid" thing.

"I for one am definitely grateful to be a part of this learning experiences" experience shouldn't be plural

"... to my success across my 3 years at Albany Senior High. From level 1 NCEA ..." this should be one sentence joined with a comma

If I had to make a suggestion regarding content, it would probably be to make more of a distinct comparison between the 'learning spaces' thing and how people are traditionally taught in schools.

Also if you're going to be delivering this to someone outside of your school, you might want to more clearly define what 'learning spaces' are. After reading that, I'm not entirely sure what they are.

I really enjoyed reading that though, aside from leading with the definition it sounded genuine, convincing, and well thought out.

Apologies for not being more constructive, I have an essay due tomorrow on the early development of the welfare state and my brain is ******* ASPLODE

Quick Comments

Bash:

wise man

[Bash]

Alrighty, in which case its missing a few Key things , for one i'm seeing heaps of examples of what the "Learning spaces" have achieved, but i'm not seeing the connection to how , idk, it probably only makes sense if you've seen the place, but maybe giving some examples if possible would help.

For Example

+ Show +

"Room 8 is semi-circular, this helps to create an atmosphere whereby everyone in the room feels involved and valuable, it also eliminates the Attention-seeking antics of the students up the back of a "Regular Classroom"

What IS Different about your school?
I'm convinced that its good, and that its working, but i'm not told Whats different about your school that achieves this.

I Absolutely loved your Addon to the definition of "Architecture", its very much a debating thing where you give the Textbook definition, and then build on that to further strengthen your case- the way you've done that is fantastic, and if you deliver it well it'll really show how much importance you believe is placed on the architecture itself.

+Its missing a few words here or there, you'll wanna try reading it out loud and adding those in where possible.
IE

+ Show +

they have created an environment where students aspire to achieving greater than they would Have ever dreamed.

Quick Comments

Apth:

Articulated my point better than I did

[ToRSpartaz]

Thanks guys

I went pretty insane at the delivery soo many people T_T all universities as well...

[syfMiley]

Albany aye, North Shore is my hood

[x5_dot]

So. I just wrote an essay myself, entitled "Notes to Spartaz: fellow architect in waiting"

I'm not sure if it's right to post this before you give your speech. As you will see, I have picked apart your essay - not because I want to be a bitch, but because you have a beautiful passion for architecture and I want to help you make use of it the best way I can. Your love of architecture is transparent, but your reasoning so far is lacking. But guess what? This is what you will learn to do in Uni. Your tutors and your fellow students will help you develop strong analyses of architectural projects and ideas from others and even yourself.

I see in you the excitement for architecture I once had and still do sometimes when I forget about the wankers that exist in this field

+ [Notes to Spartaz: fellow architect in waiting] +

Originally Posted by Spartaz

"Architecture has been defined as “The art or practice of designing and constructing buildings.”

It's good that you're defining architecture but keep in mind that it can be sooooo much broader than the above. In fact you could easily do a whole speech on what architecture potentially encompasses.

Originally Posted by Spartaz

To me architecture is the creation of spaces that are used to benefit the wants and needs of the individuals that use them. This is precisely what the architects who designed our school Albany Senior High School have done. They have created spaces in our schools that not only strengthen and develop that student teacher relationship but they have created an environment where students aspire to achieving greater than they would ever dreamed.

Your personal opinion of architecture is completely legitimate. However when you start to talk about your school... Wow. HUGE claim here.

At this point you're going to need some very good evidence to back up your claim that "students aspire to achieving greater than they would ever dreamed". Maybe the students at your school DO in fact feel that way. But is it due purely to architecture? Are there other factors? Demographics of students, quality of teachers etc?

Originally Posted by Spartaz

The first thing that you would notice coming into our school environment is the strong relationships between the students and teachers of Albany Senior High School. Through the creation of these learning spaces, it has greatly contributed to the development of the trust, respect and relationship between teachers and students. In spaces such as these that we have at our school, it encourages closer interaction and in more one on one and group situations then what you would typically have in a classroom situation. As a result of this the communication between students and teachers is exceptional because the teachers are so always willing to listen to you as a student and respect what you are trying to say. Another benefit to come of this strong relationship is the fact that teachers are more willing to dedicate time and effort into students both in class and out of class because of the relationship between their students.

There is no mention here of what these learning spaces are. For someone to fully grasp the impact it may have on the students and teachers and their interactions with one another there needs to be a space people can envisage while you're describing such positive attributes to.

Originally Posted by Spartaz

One thing that is noticeable about the use of these learning spaces is the behaviour that this learning environment promotes for students at ours school. Personally coming from a background of learning in a typical classroom situation, before being introduced to the concept of a “learning space”. I found that in a classroom situation there is always the ones who do “stupid” things to attract attention of their classmates. In wide open spaces like these, students don’t feel the need to do these kinds of things to attract the attention and look stupid in front of say 80 other people in the learning area. Something I have found that over the last few years of being at Albany Senior High was how much these learning spaces have contributed to my development as an individual. The design of the learning spaces really encourages student self-motivation and independence and I know for me personally it this style of learning has really helped me develop and inspire me to do greater things.

"wide open spaces" Finally! There is some description of these learning spaces. So we know it's wide. And can fit say 80 people. In the paragraph above this you say that it "encourages closer interaction and in more one on one and group situations". May I ask, how many teachers are there to this many students? I assume one on one to mean between teachers and students, so if there is not a good ratio there simply cannot be enough time given to each student individually. Again, more information about the learning spaces needs to be given to back your arguments.

Originally Posted by Spartaz

For me personally these learning spaces have really contributed to my success across my 3 years at Albany Senior High. From level 1 NCEA to my final year of at this amazing school. I have found that learning in this kind of environment promoted by the creation of learning spaces from the architects at Jasmax have especially had an impact across all my subjects but more so to the regards of English and Calculus. My English periods are a prime example of how these spaces are used effectively to the benefit of its students. I find from time to time it can get quite noisy with the dance studio across the other side of the learning common, but I find that this even motivates me more to focus on what we are doing. But not only do these spaces encourage the students to excel in what they are doing, but each period my teacher come around and always involves each group in a class discussion, really getting involved and challenging our thoughts and ideals. And so, no matter the comment or idea is each and every one of us feels our opinions and ideas that we contribute are appreciated and valued. In more of a practical subject like Calculus, these spaces still promote that closer interaction between teacher and students. At the end of each new skill that our teacher may be teaching us, she will always come round and ask us individually how we feel about what we are doing and what she can do to help us achieve as high as we can.

In this paragraph you say that you have excelled in your English studies and it is, at least in part, due to the "dance studio across the other side of the learning common" which "can get quite noisy ... but I find that this even motivates me more to focus on what we are doing." SAY WHAT?!? This is actually a failure in the design, and definitely not intentional. Even if it has impacted on you positively and driven you to block out these sounds to focus on your study, I don't think it is a good idea to say that their failure to adequately insulate the dance room has been good design.

Originally Posted by Spartaz

These learning spaces have also contributed to the idea behind tutorials and our impact projects. In each and every learning common, there are specialist teachers and students available if you need any help with English, maths or technology for example. It sells that idea of that you aren’t in a classroom environment, but more in an integrated learning environment.

The audience still does not know what you mean by an "integrated learning environment". To strengthen your essay, you should clarify the difference between the classroom environment and an integrated learning environment - not just in this paragraph but throughout the whole essay. By doing so, you show the audience/reader just why your school is so much better for students than traditionally designed schools.

Originally Posted by Spartaz

Without a doubt, learning in this environment and culture that has been created at Albany Senior High it definitely has had a huge impact on my future career. I am lucky to be able to participate in this amazing idea that Barbara has talked about on “Impact Project” day. My very first project that I participated in was the “Gateway “program where I spent 12 weeks at the architectural firm Jasmax. I was very fortunate to be able to participate in this program, because I learned so many new and exciting ideas that were involved in this industry and because most of all it really confirmed that my dream that I have had since I was young to create these spaces and produce outstanding designs, is what I want to do for future career. And so from this opportunity I have continued following my passion, with further architectural related projects where I spent 1 semester looking into sustainable design. Where I came across such experts in the community just as Johann Bernhadt, who taught us such important ideas such as “Passive Solar Design” an idea that I never fail to include in all of my work. At the end of my project, what I find amazing still is how the learning spaces really promote that sense of community, for those who were in my learning common were always interested to learn and hear about these ideas and experiences from our group. To further challenge myself, for my latest impact project I have decided to enter the “Young Designers Award Scheme” where I am going to be designing commercial architecture by coming up with a solution to a tourist café brief.

Awww your passion is soo nice to see

Btw a cafe is part of hospitality not commercial architecture.

Good luck on your speech!

Quick Comments

	Bash:	Articulated mine+apths point the best.
	PiG:	wow a+ for effort
	Nemo:	^ Same

[FvRsolis]

Okay, it is a bit of a lengthy and unstructured mess but I tried to generalize everything so I could give you feedback.

Firstly you need to address your audience. There is nothing worse for a professional listening to speeches and they aren't addressed. Good (time) (most to least important) Ladies and Gentleman,

Something personal, throw in a quote from someone famous in Architecture rather than a strict definition. The idea of a definition is nice though, but you're speaking to people who KNOW what architecture is so giving them a definition of what architecture is, is arbitrary and pointless.

So maybe start with;
"quote" , a famous statement by... "author"

Remember to end with a quote as well, or put one in your closing statement. (It makes you sound educated and leaves a lasting and resonating impression)

Also, don't worry about correct sentence structure.. LEARN THE SPEECH and you won't have to worry about the where the correct commas are or what correct grammar is, with speeches there is a lot of leeway, so just make sure it flows.

Encourage them to come on a journey with you, ask them to picture wide open spaces, compared to closed in spaces that they would have experienced at least once in their school life. Use examples that they can relate to!

Otherwise it is decent, just re-read and make sure you're not selling your school TOO much. Advertisements get bland, but examples and audience involvement doesn't. Your use of language is excellent, and you seem to be passionate about your topic which is a huge benefit. Just remember that the speech comes down to delivery, not wholeheartedly content. GRAB YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER/PILLAR OF SUPPORT and PRACTICE ALL THE TIME too, that helps me.

Fyi, I'm not some person just throwing criticisms out there.
-Notes from a Lions Youth of The Year Judge
-Lions Youth of the Year Regional Finalist
-Senior Debating Captain etc

Quick Comments

Bash:

sick brag son, i copied.

[FvRsolis]

Oh, sorry I didn't mean to brag I just didn't want you to think I was douche bag just being mean or suggesting improvements without having done public speaking myself. <_<

[ToRSpartaz]

Cheers guys

Although I should of stated that these points are actually my perspective on things backing essentially what the Principal and my teacher were trying to say.

Much appreciated guys