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crAzerk · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:26 AM

RULES:
1) Every reply to this thread must contain a joke of some sort - whether its a story joke, wordplay, riddle, etc. If you don't have a joke but really want to comment on sth, use Rep!
2) Try to keep it clean (avoid race/explicit/personal jokes)
3) Have fun!
4) if you have alot of things to say other than your joke, bold your joke so people can find it easily.
5) Keep it to one joke per post, so this thread lasts forever

To kick things off:

Did you hear about the movie called Constipation?

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.
.
It's not out yet.

Quick Comments

Highlander:

Ahh... I thought this thread was about Gus. Different joke obviously...

MooZfY · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:31 AM

Why did the Colossus fall over?

Because it was imbalanced

Quick Comments

	cRSenSei:	no mate... build vikings
	Nemo:	Known but good joke :)

Aean(: · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 6:02 AM

why did uncletoby fall off the swing
he had no arms

why did uncletoby drop his icecream
a hover car hit him

Quick Comments

neon:

how was he holding his ice cream with no arms...

FaDePressureTest · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 9:58 AM

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobees!

**Maynarde** · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 10:39 AM

Constipation jokes? I got ya covered.

What did the constipated mathematician do? - He worked it out with a pencil.

Why do constipated people do whatever they want? - They don't give a crap.

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository.
Suddenly, her husband freaks out "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

Quick Comments

	FaDeBadger:
	TAkrunch:	ahahahahahaha
	Cyanide:	lol @ punchline

FaDeBadger · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 10:45 AM

Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: 2110593!
Q: Why?
A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay a10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3...

crAzerk · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 10:50 AM

Lol Maynarde, heard the long one before

Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Because he was outstanding in the field!

Quick Comments

TAScarecrow:

true story

dragonnaus · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 11:09 AM

Trololollolo

Quick Comments

	Cyanide:	read the rules, fool
	Maynarde:	^
	TADivinity:	^^^

**nirvAnA** · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 11:12 AM

Q: Why is glade my bitch?

Cause hes busy cleaning my car

Cause hes busy cleaning my room

Cause hes busy 3in1ing my toliet bowl

Quick Comments

	FaDeBadger:	Love it
	TABjornbrandr:
	freaky_beeky:
	Nemo:	Nirvana so BM ! lol

crAzerk · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 1:37 PM

LOLOL I took like 10 seconds to get LosDog's one

Anyway, to bold text, just use [b]bold[/b] which will turn out as bold

What do they say in a vegetable church?

.

.

.

Lettuce pray.

dragonnaus · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:17 PM

Bring back my good jokes

Satu · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TAJPMoney

This thread.

There is no escape.

dippa · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:18 PM

Why did the bird fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

Why did the boy drop his ice-cream?

Because he got hit by a bus.

How do you confuse a blond?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Your momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

What did the boy with no arms and legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Quick Comments

	deL:	lol'd irl
	NvPinder:
	Hocus:
	TAriiChard:	ROFLMAO!
	TAEdgE:
	cRSenSei:	omg dippa
	TADivinity:	hahaha the last one got me good. Im a bad person.

NvPinder · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:22 PM

This thread.

Quick Comments

LOSDoG:

justin beiber ;)

nard · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:27 PM

Johnny's mother has three children. She named one of them April, the other May, what was the third one named? Leave u guys to figure it out

**TAEdgE** · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:31 PM

johnny lol

Quick Comments

Maynarde:

The big fella refuses to have the wool pulled over his eyes

nard · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:39 PM

Lol
Well played.
Which word in the English Language is always spelt incorrectly?

Quick Comments

TAScarecrow:

incorrectly

Hocus · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nard

Lol
Well played.
Which word in the English Language is always spelt incorrectly?

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?

deL · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nard

Lol
Well played.
Which word in the English Language is always spelt incorrectly?

"incorrectly"

Quick Comments

TAkrunch:

hocus already answered it mate

x5.Revenant · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 2:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nard

Lol
Well played.
Which word in the English Language is always spelt incorrectly?

incorrectly.

lolwut · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 3:20 PM

What do you call birdpoo on top of a church?
.
.
.
Holy sh!t!

Quick Comments

nirvAnA:

ToRPandarine · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 3:56 PM

What do religious veggies say when they are in trouble?

Gourd save us

nard · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 4:47 PM

What's the US President's name in 1975?

ToRPandarine · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 4:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nard

What's the US President's name in 1975?

Gerald R. Ford

Uglymutt · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 5:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nard

What's the US President's name in 1975?

It was still Barack Obama.

nard · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 6:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Uglymutt

It was still Barack Obama.

Uglymutt wins!

Which sentence in English is correct?

Option 1: the egg yolk is white
Option 2: the egg yolk are white

Quick Comments

Zanderax:

Egg yolks are yellow

Cyanide · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 5:07 PM

Why does Beyonce sings "To the left, to the left"
.
.
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Because black people have no rights

Quick Comments

	MooZfY:	lol
	FaDeBadger:	Read the OP again

TABjornbrandr · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 5:31 PM

Gus Ledesma

Volition · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 5:31 PM

Why are pirates called pirates?

because they ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

MooZfY · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 5:45 PM

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A Cloud

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 6:30 PM

Heisenberg and Schrödinger were driving in a car when a police officer pulled them over.

"Do you know how fast you were going" Said the police officer

"No" replied Heisenberg "but I can tell you exactly where I was"

The officer thinks this peculiar answer is grounds for a search, he opens the trunk to find a dead cat.

"Do you know you have a dead cat in your trunk" says the officer

Schrödinger replies "Well I do now!"

Quick Comments

	TABjornbrandr:
	Nemo:	Someone has studied quantic mecanics recently ;-)

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 6:43 PM

Nerdy pick up lines:

I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curve

You had me at “Hello World.” (Programmers get this one)

Excuse me, you just made my floppy disk a hard drive!

This is the only one that actually works

Hey does this smell like chloroform?

Quick Comments

	TAkrunch:	i feel bad that i get the second one =(
	MooZfY:	lol Hello World :D

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 6:48 PM

What did the pirate say when he got his steering wheel stuck down his pants?

"Arrr, it's driving me nuts"

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 6:50 PM

How many surrealists does it take to change a light-bulb?

Fish...

How many phycologists does it take to change a light-bulb?

Only one but it has to want to change

How many Dragonball Z charaters does it take to change a light-bulb?

Only one but it going to take about 6 episodes

**Maynarde** · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ToRZanderax

How many Dragonball Z charaters does it take to change a light-bulb?

Correct answer:

It's OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

You Tube

Quick Comments

Zanderax:

That too

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 6:51 PM

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool

Quick Comments

	Cyanide:
	Maynarde:

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 6:56 PM

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

One goes, wack "damn" and the other goes "damn" wack

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 7:00 PM

What'd the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer nuts cost a dollar fifty and Deer nuts are under a Buck

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 7:02 PM

A Baby Seal walks into a club

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 7:04 PM

How do you get an 80 year old woman to say F!@#?

You get another 80 year old woman next to her to yell "Bingo"

Zanderax · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 7:08 PM

A chicken and a Duck are standing on the side of a road and the Chicken says
"Don't bother mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

Delraich · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 7:46 PM

I'm gonna go with the puzzle option:

http://www.learn4good.com/games/puzzle/boat.htm

http://www.digyourowngrave.com/frog-jumping-puzzle/

Quick Comments

Nemo:

Both solved :)

nard · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 7:51 PM

Farmer Crazerk has 4 haystacks in Field A and farmer Zanderax has 5 haystacks in Field B. Farmer crazerk decides to steal zanderax's haystacks and combine them together with his in Field C. How many haystacks does he have now?

TABjornbrandr · Fri, 11th-Nov-2011, 7:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nard

Farmer Crazerk has 4 haystacks in Field A and farmer Zanderax has 5 haystacks in Field B. Farmer crazerk decides to steal zanderax's haystacks and combine them together with his in Field C. How many haystacks does he have now?

One?

10char

Delraich · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 8:02 PM

Not sure if these count as jokes, but I think they are pretty funny:

Delraich · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 8:04 PM

Here are some more funny pictures:

syfMiley · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 8:25 PM

Vortex Gaming

Quick Comments

	TAkrunch:	I see what you've done there, and i like it!
	LOSDoG:
	stalking you:

Cyanide · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 8:51 PM

Here's an old one from my childhood.

A farmer had a basket of eggs for sale. 3 men bought from him.
The first man asked for half his eggs and half an egg more.
The second man also bought half the farmer's eggs, and half an egg more.
The last man did likewise.
The farmer sold all his eggs without breaking a single egg. How many eggs did he sell?

Quick Comments

Nemo:

7

**Nemo** · Thu, 10th-Nov-2011, 11:28 PM

Can't put the images for some reason but :

My prefered ones
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=12
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=6
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=5
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=3
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=25
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=17
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=14
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=8
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=7
http://banelingbbq.com/?comic=2

nard · Fri, 11th-Nov-2011, 3:40 PM

What is courage?
Courage is risking a fart while suffering from diarrhea.

Quick Comments

ProAnnn:

First joke i seriously LOLed. Good one

ToRDeathsFang · Fri, 11th-Nov-2011, 4:04 PM

I got a couple up my sleeve *cracks knuckles*

Yo mama's so dumb she tried to drown a fish.
Yo mama's so dumb she tried to throw a bird off a cliff

Did you know that although women can fake orgasms, men can fake whole relationships? ;3

Q. What do you call an Afghan virgin?
A. Never Bin Laid On

Q. A blonde and a brunette that are the same height and weight fell off a 20-story building at the same time, who hit the ground first?
A. The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions

Sadly i can't post filthy jokes

Quick Comments

MooZfY:

I like the first one lol :D

**Maynarde** · Fri, 11th-Nov-2011, 4:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeathsFang

Q. What do you call an Afghan virgin?
A. Mever Bin Laid On

I think you mean NEVER Bin Laid On.

Quote:

Q. A blonde and a brunette that are the same height and weight fell off a 20-story building at the same time, who hit the ground first?
A. The blonde because she had to stop and ask for directions(

Don't you mean the brunette?