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I've been thinking about writing this blog for a long time, and yet, it's taken months for me to realise where I am, and the goals I wish to achieve. In fact, I'm still lost as to where I want to end up in life, and the thought of my life's reason manages to escape me still. I guess I think that getting this off my chest might help me, especially when the SC2SEA crew always seems to help, no matter what the occasion. I guess from here, the best place to start would be at the beginning...

The beginning.. where exactly did this disaster begin? The train wreck of what I now call life? I'd say it was around February. University. I thought I had it all figured out. Sure, a joint Bachelor of Laws/Bachelor of Psychology degree sounds like a blast. Lots of work, no doubt, but still, a good way to start off the future. It was far from it. Living off campus, in a house I rented with a tragic case for a room mate, my life slowly began to falter, falling from its once mighty position above the pedestal of confidence. Within weeks, 6 to be exact, my life had changed dramatically. I had slowly started to run out of money, for one, and driving around this new city, wasting fuel between uni, home and work wasn't making it any easier. The study ~ 40 hours a week, was draining me of energy, while leaving me unable to work for more than 15 hours a week. Alone, the rent would cost me my entire week's wages. The money I had saved up before uni, along with the money my parents had been putting away for me for almost 17 years had dried up, leaving me with nothing. In 6 weeks, I was poor, and unable to find monetary help from family or the government. I dropped out, moved back in with my parents and decided to work full time. Problem solved... right?

From there, I was back in my small country town of 5000 people, working in the local supermarket. 38 hours a week, minimum wage kind of deal. At first, it was a blessing. The supermarket I had worked in for years beforehand was happy to have me working for them full time. I enjoyed the work at first. It was a break. I could think of anything - no, everything - that I wanted. It gave me time to get over the fact that I was a drop out, unable to afford much and living with my parents at the age of 18. That's what happens to most people right? Yeah, but that wasn't what I expected. It wasn't where I wanted to be at that stage of my life. My life continued, seemingly normally, but again, something inside me was ticking, waiting to explode like a bomb.

Work got worse. The people around me had shown their cards, turning into the arseholes they always were, but that I neglected to see. That job that gave me free time to think, had turned into the job I hated. Every time certain 'friends' would come into the store, I could see them sink their eyes into me, judging me for where I was. They thought they were better, and the way they spoke and acted towards me reinforced that. Sure, it was only a few of them, but it was enough. Slowly, I started to feel more and more depressed. Work got worse and worse in my eyes, and nothing could pull me out of the hole I thought that I was FORCED into. I worked through it for a few weeks, and eventually I ended up quitting my job. This is me now. No job. A few friends that care. Oh, and my Dad and Step Mum moved overseas 2 weeks ago. I'm feeling the hard hitting effects of depression, and that's just being blunt about it. Most of all though, I know that I have a supportive girlfriend and loving family. For the future? I've written a resume, and plan on handing it out to a few places next week. I'm seeing a doctor regularly, and in the next month or so I will be seeing a psychologist to try and speed up the process of my mental healing. Not many people realise how I feel, and sometimes I think it is better that way. I'd rather be alone, fighting this... feeling, than dragging others down with me...

As for my goals? I have set a few:

Real Life:
- Get a new job, in a totally new environment.. I think I'd like to work in a bar, at least until I get my life back on track.
- Learn a new skill, perhaps basic programming, or even decent photoshop skills.
- Figure out a plan. Where do I want to be in the next 5 years? I want to go back to Uni. But I no longer know what to study. My experience has turned me off of the prospect of studying law and psychology entirely. I'm thinking a course based around computers. I'm not sure what, and any help with that would be greatly appreciated, but I spend most of my time on them and I thoroughly enjoy it, so I think it would be a good option.
- Frequent exercise. Almost daily, I go running, or go to the gym. Its something that takes my mind off of everything, and gives my mind a chance to be free. Along with this, its good for personal health, and aids in relieving stress.
- Slowly but surely, progress through the stages of recovery with regards to depression. Make it out. Alive. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, yes?

Starcraft 2:

One of the only things that honestly takes my mind away from all the troubles I am experiencing. Something I endeavour to improve at, and continue participating in as a daily part of my life.

- Make GM. A personal goal now. I've had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to achieve this a long time ago. But now it's official to me. I want it now more than ever. I was close, before I was diagnosed with depression, and now I'm just working my way back there.
- Stream daily and get a nice viewer base. I enjoy streaming my work, along with talking to people about the game. Especially when they are incredibly polite. So far, I've been keeping up with this really well. I have several people who stop by frequently in the stream, and I have been doing it daily for the last few weeks.
- Make it into a team. I want to get good. Really good. Sure, its far fetched, but goals are only good until you reach them I guess. I've wanted this for almost a year now, and I'm not letting go until I get it.

I think I've covered almost everything. There are a few more goals in and around there, but I don't feel like mentioning them at this stage. I've spent probably the last half hour writing this, and already, I feel slightly better. It was something big, and to finally be rid of it, and have it written down in front of me, seems to make me feel stronger. In time, the feeling should pass, however now, I just have to work through it day by day. I want to thank everyone who has been there for me during this time, even if they didn't realise it, namely MrSandman, Spartaz and also Peek, who's just a fun person to be around.

Finally, I'm sorry for the wall of text. I had a lot to get off my chest.

Thanks,

Paroxysm
Nick