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Somewhere along the road things went wrong.

But before I tell the tale of now I have to tell you how I got here.

Part I - Childhood and adolescence



One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. My head hung limply down as I watched my feet walking forwards across the black. As I watched the hypnotic motion of my feet across the ground the darkness slowly began to recede and shapes and colours began to form beneath my toes. Blurry lines turned to sharp edges and took all manner of wondrous forms. The darkness now was earth and from it seeds grew into roots and plants, worms burrowed and grubs scuttled.



As the brightness of the world grew it was reflected in my eyes and they took on the light around them. My head swung up and I gazed upon my surrounds. I was in a whirling, gushing and fantastic place where everything was changing constantly. I could experience so much and it was all so fresh and exciting! I felt an overwhelming joy wash over me and opened myself up to the joy of this world. I reached my arms outwards and embraced everything.



After taking my fill of this light and colour, these shapes and growing objects I glanced down and where once all I could see were feet trudging alone in darkness now there were legs, arms and a torso all walking along with me! No longer was I just a blurry and insubstantial thing! Now I was a clearly defined and coloured in pink, brown and beige hues. I felt a deep sense of pride as I looked upon myself and took in my beauty.





I watched my body as its colours and shape twisted and changed rapidly from one form to another, each one as clear and definite as the one before. It was truly beautiful as I sought to fulfil every possible form. Every possible colour and shape! However it wasn't long before I noticed a gnawing hunger right in the very centre of my being, deeper then my stomach, yet also somehow shallower. My hunger grew and slowly began to eat a hole inside me and my essence began to slowly slip away. At first Slight wisps off the surface of my skin began to lift away and float off to rejoin the world. One-by-one it started steadily and cautiously but as my hunger grew the process quickened. Soon the skin off my entire right hand was wisping itself away only to reveal the flesh beneath that had been hidden by the colour of the universe. But this was no healthy pink flesh but a sickly olive-green and off golden colour. And even more disturbing then it's colour was the hard and metallic sheen of my flesh. Worst of all it was solid. My ever-changing skin that I was so proud of was wisping away and leaving me with this disgusting fleshy body! One I didn't ask for and would not hold too! It held a sense of permanence and normality which disgusted me to the core of my ego. I WAS an ever-changing part of the universe, a part of anything and everything and would not hold to a single, lone flesh!



The thoughts came to my mind just as the last bit of skin was lifting off my left hand: I will not let this happen! I control my fate and I will not succumb to this hunger! I will feed it! I opened myself even wider then before and tried to take in every little bit of colour, shape and form in this world! I took them in one after the other to the torso of my being. The hungry hole inside myself became a raging torrent of experience and my skin whirled and spun with colour! From a broader and broader spectrum pinks and purples, yellows and reds, greens and blues all began to pass across the surface of my skin as I began to whirl about faster and faster. I became a cyclone of colour and shapes and breathed in the ecstasy...



To be continued...