SC2SEA.com - Starcraft 2 SEA eSports Community Site

Going back to Chiddiru
 

Okay let's do this, so I said I was going to go away for awhile, let's get into details of the whole lot, complete transparency.

Over the course of the past 4-5 months I have been in and out of the doctors, multiple appointments and a many of tests, this was due to a small lump found in my lower back, at first it was assumed to be potentially cancerous and then the further tests to my relief showed otherwise, however it had the ability to grow and become a problem down the track, so after 4 months an operation was done to have it removed.

With this said, about 4-5 months ago is when I started to in my opinion differ from my normal self and I started to become a bit of a dick to the people around me IRL and in game, I had a lot of hatred for those around me and I guess after awhile the lash outs became more and more normal until they became me as such, there is no reasoning behind it, the people around me and the people who are left around me have wanted nothing but the best for me, I do wish I had of shared this information earlier and maybe I might have received support and not built up as much hostility towards other, but I cannot change the past.

So in prior instances when things for me start going badly, I tend to bottle up my real emotions and that's the result, what you all had to deal with everytime you would go into my stream, at my first anger management session today they said it may be a common thing among what I do as this is a similar way in which I reacted when my step brother had passed away. The doctor told me "I believe you try to isolate yourself the best way you can to avoid further hurt in your life, you want to push away those that love you and care about you, however in this instance you stayed in a situation to gain more attention and with this drive away an even bigger grouping of people" He was shown the blogs I have made and the replay footage of my stream of how I "went off" at viewers.

I will be attending a once a week anger management program for the next 8 weeks minimum, further time may be needed depending on how I go over the course of the sessions, as of now, the best medicine for me he said was to start apologising to those that you may have hurt and try to keep yourself as calm as possible. So with that said, I do apologise to those I have shown hostility towards, I know it's not enough but I am truely sorry and when my back and wrist are a bit better I will return to the stream and I do hope you will tune into that.

So with all of this said, I do hope you guys can start to understand some of the issues that were happening, if you have any follow up questions feel free to message me or post on here and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Hope it all works out well for ya budski.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

FeDe, while all your problems like the issues you had with your previous home and now a cancer scare and anger management issues I don't think the whole internet needs to know about it. Every time i see a post or a thread from you its about how everything is against you.
Show some positivity and share something awesome in some of your blogs man!
Good luck all the same Hopefully it all works it.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

I agree with troy here, its okay to have people who you can tell all this stuff about, but Im not sure if posting it on the internet for ANYONE to see is the right choice. I've said plenty of things on the internet which I can look back at and say I shouldn't have said. If you're unsure of if you should post something or not, its usually a sign that you shouldn't post it, as a general rule.

As for your username, to be honest, it doesn't really matter whatever you choose. It doesn't change who you are, nor does it change how people think of you in the long term. Its simply an identifier for who you are online. Try not to put too much thought into it.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Just to kind of reiterate what's been said before, putting your personal issues out for all and sundry to read is not always a wise choice, for your own sake. It's human nature to focus on the negative things said about us, as is noted by many current popular online "personalities" who talk about their massive struggles dealing with criticism etc on the internet. For every 100 nice comments you get, it's the 1 troll post that tends to stick in your mind afterwards.

Just something to keep in mind as you obviously have some deeply personal issues to work with, and I'd recommend sharing them with people you can really trust rather than a public forum. Either way I'm glad to see you're recognising the root cause of your problems, that's the first step towards improvement. Best of luck

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

[9:50:19 PM] Ben O'Neill (Malice): when i said fede's posts were literally cancer
[9:50:20 PM] Ben O'Neill (Malice): i didnt mean it

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

...

not really sure what you are trying to say here :S

Also I am aware "airing" my personal details on a public forum may not be required, but I just like people to know what's going on etc, might make them understand what i am going through, also with the 100 nice comments and 1 bad comment, I don't really mind about that, people will always troll and be keyboard warriors, I don't think If i went to an ACL or a lan event these same people would tell me to kill myself or to quit Starcraft 2 or have their group of friends come over and mock me and say I won't ever get good.

on that note as well, it was never a minority of people saying the bad stuff, it was a fairly large number of people. with that being said as well, something i was taught from a very young age, if you sont stand up for those being harassed in w/e form it may be in you are support what is being said, which then makes the issue worse, its again going back to the whole high school drama, the nerds getting picked on by the jocks. it only takes ONE person to stand up for the victim to get a chain going, just remember that in future.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

FeDe, i don't think it has anything to do with you being bad at SC2 or bad at casting or anything like that.
Its about people being sick of the multiple FeDe blogs talking about how miserable he is.
No one needs to read that, if you have a few friends in the community who you would like to talk to about this stuff then talk to them on Skype/teamspeak/facebook.
Not on a public forum for everyone to see, this is sc2sea.com not manthearpy.com

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Good to hear you're sorting everything out FeDe and I hope that it all works out well for you.

For those of you who don't think it's a good idea to post this kind of thing online, try to see it from FeDes perspective. He could simply create a post saying "Guys, I'm sorry for how I acted", to which people would probably either, ignore, or reply something stupid (not everyone, but a significant amount). I think what FeDe is trying to do here is to give some insight into why he has been acting the way he is. As well as apologising to those who he has affected.

There is also the thought that perhaps FeDe really needed to get this off his chest, he may not be doing it for everyone, but for himself. So he can feel he has accomplished something, he feels, will improve his relationship with everyone on here.

At the end of the day, if FeDe wants us to know about it to give us some insight into his life, then fine. I don't have a problem with it.
I do however agree that bringing some positive into your chats/blog would help make you feel better.

Keep up the good work and think positively and I'm sure it will all work out for you in.

Cheers,

ShayneRarma.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Fede, keeping sc2sea.com alive!

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Cheers Shayne you are more so right in saying this is to get it off my chest etc, so thanks, also troy there is positive in this, after 3 months ill be able to play sc2 for a decent amount of hours again and after 6 months should be able to return to casting.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

One love friends. One of the members of our community is putting himself out there and trying to explain his position. Be the bigger person and accept the apology and help him in this tough time. It takes balls to openly present your feelings like this, props to you FeDe. Be nicer to the people in his community, its a small and shrinkig group.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

any reason it will take you longer to get back into casting then it would playing?

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

I'm not allowed to sit down or stand up etc for long periods of time due to the operation in my lower back, if i do these things it can force my muscles to essentially hold that position, so it would incur a lot of stiffness and put me in mass amounts of pain, where as playing, i can play a game leave my pc rinse and repeat, so i am never at the pc long, where as casting is a 2-3 sometimes even 4 hour stint of just sitting down the whole time

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Sorry if what I said came across the wrong way, I guess my point was more that sometimes it can be tough to work through personal issues in a public forum where you're open to abuse/trolling from people who don't have your best interests in mind. If this works for you then that's great, glad to see you're taking positive action and look forward to seeing you return to the community happy and healthy.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Hi Tony the fact that you are seeking help is a positive step forward. Good luck with it mate.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Wish you all the best in whatever progress you're looking forward to. Hopefully those sessions that you speak of will be productive and effective for you!

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Respect for putting yourself out there so much man. Best of luck with everything, hope to see you well enough to return to sc2 soon!

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

awesome to see an effort being made, looking forward to the eventual results!

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Good to see that you're making some progress with yourself FeDe. It looks like this could be a turning point for the better in terms of your attitude and how you handle the inevitable trolls.

Good luck with your stream and your SC2 endeavours. I look forward to reading future blogs filled with positivity and details of your achievements!

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

I really appreciate the support guys, also a massive thanks to WoLF, this week I start getting back into casting, will only cast a few of the bo1 games but every bit helps

@nama, I really hope the eventual results will be me being just genuinely happy again throughout everything.

@plottel I really hope that my goals for this year on sc2 can still be met even with the team being gone

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

The talk about FeDe in the community was always negative. I almost never hear someone say something nice about him and with new people joining all the time they start to absorb the hive mind community consensus.

The consensus at the time was that FeDe was an asshat.

This post explains a great deal what was going on in recent times. While posting personal issues such as this on a community forum for the whole world to see isnt usually ideal... it was almost necessary.

FeDe's rep has taken quite a hit and this is one of many initial steps FeDe has taken to get his mind both in and out of the game to normal.

Good luck FeDe ol' buddy!

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Well, he has been talking shit about sc2sea himself so it's not like he is any better. Being a spastic towards people who are either trying to help or giving advice would just attract more negativity with or without internet trolls. When you stream you market yourself onto the internet and if you are just being an asshat to the viewers then they will spread the word that "oh yeah this guy is an asshat"; which is why he's got a bad rep in the first place. He pretty much brought it on himself.

I still find it unnecessary to have to say a lot of personal details on a site like this (especially this); not everyone will become sympathetic and give two fucks about what's happening to you, imo.

The only person that can solve your own problems is yourself. I'm glad FeDe sees this, and is taking actions for it. The only thing he can go now is forwards, and imo he should stay off places that would give him a bad rep.

Tbh, I still dislike the guy, but hey he's doing something that would be the best for him, and I respect that.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

CrayonPop, no offence intended and im sure you will get your lackies to help you fight again, at no time did you ever support me in what i was doing, at no time did you ever try to help, at no time did you help, at no time did you ever speak positively, at no time did you be mature about your "dislike" towards me

on your "he was an asshat" comment, stay in mGG mate, they will support you being such a douche to someone who has accepted he made mistakes yet you still want to be a such an absolute ass to me.

"talking shit about sc2sea" my comment when i had said anything bad about sc2sea was the fact that people from this site enjoy trolling and being dicks to me, i never said every single person from here was a dick just those that thought being a group of "internet bullies" would be fun.

also the bad rep started with me trying to get myself away from Akilos, which he then went in my stream and started cussing etc, thats when the "bad rep" in my stream actually started...

but hey I am wrong about everything and I am trash at the game, I posted this so people could understand maybe why i was so angry all the time, but hey, enjoy your high horse and your mates rallying behind you, because the way you treat people is so perfect.

Realistically I don't expect people to be like oh he had it rough the last 6-8 months lets be nice now that he is starting to turn things around, I don't expect anyone to treat me differently etc, but maybe just give it a chance and stop harping on the same bullshit excuses. Be mature, you have a personal issue with me address it with me. BE MATURE

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

This blog should be locked, it is retarded.

Re: Going back to Chiddiru
 

Ok.