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Keeping my Sanity
 

Sorry in advance for this gigantic wall of text that's being put here.

So...I'm basically using this to keep myself kind of in check I go by the name of Akilos in-game and I'm a member of AxS , I'm 20 and I'll be 21 by Christmas. I've led an okay life...considering what I've been through Mom kept beating me when I was a kid , Dad would always be out of the house oblivious to the happenings, my grandma taking my sister in so she wouldn't be abused by my mom...I remember hiding
under my bed when she'd bring out the belt and also getting hanged on a tree in a sack with my head sticking out & getting all my books thrown at me when I refused to study sometimes. I held a lot of that in a lot ,I'd get threatened by my mum if I'd mention even a tiny bit of any of that to my dad. A few years later...my mum and dad decided to get annulled so I remember being in a courtroom telling them what my mum did to me all those years but just as we finished the case...She passed away.

I remember not being able to cry at all during the funeral. I guess I was kinda broken on the inside
with the constant beatings and all.
I'd get made fun of in school... got spat on the face and for a pretty big guy I was a marshmallow but that never mattered to me...all I had to throw all that pain away was playing video games it didn't matter what genre I played it just felt nice not being being spat or got called a pig or loser or alot of things like that. I played for fun and to release all that tension I had running on my mind.

High school was great at least...for the first 2 years there.I'd hang out with my pops and we got along well same goes for my sister. People weren't dicks in my class I made friends. We'd hang out after school. Life was great... until the 2nd half of the school-year. Our class adviser got replaced with a new one who'd get too involved with our lives. I recall her hating me after I corrected a mistake she made once...ugly rumors about me started getting out , people started to make fun of me and spreading rumors. Everyone else would be at parties and I'd be the guy sitting at home because I never got invited I didn't mind at first I was completely oblivious to it.Shortly afterwards, my grandmother died that year. Then with each and every passing day things got worst and worst I was terrible at math so you know my pops would understand but that was pretty much it, English class was great book reports were kinda fun with book selections anyway. Every other class was just so-so. So while all those days of rumors and people talking behind my back passed I just kept my mind busy with games.

I'd play long hours into the night staying up late playing. Forgetting the feelings of pain that eventually got worst as the rumors got harsher and people started believing it. On our final year of high school
my friends I wouldn't even know if you could them that would just ditch me. We'd have to do group works I'd get stuck in a group where no one wanted to work with me. So I'd get left out.

My stress levels rose and rose & rose...it rose so much I'd ended up playing all the way till dawn on a school night. Then I'd just go to school and start sleeping... My dad being the parent that he is got concerned and he got really worried. I had trouble with any class that ended up with numbers in it so I had help...
but in the end the help really helped so instead of failing those subjects I failed English yes, english that teacher who became our adviser at around the 2nd half of year 2 of high school, she became our adviser again.(Uh oh) She was my nemesis...the teacher that everyone made fun of and would put up a front to her. I being myself just tried to do my work but in the end with my terrible short term memory i'd forget to do homework she'd give me. Everyone in my class aside from me and the smart people would cheat and even my "friends" would cheat but, they wouldn't let me cheat off of them even my so-called bestfriend.

By the end of the year...I couldn't march down the aisle...why? That teacher my nemesis with me being her most hated student constantly called my dad, bugged him and he'd just add to the stress with his form of concern made it worst. 2 months before the final grading...this nemesis of mine held a spelling bee, the prize was... an exemption of the final exam. I was there in the finals... I was glad I worked hard... and on that word which I had correctly spelled. I was marked...wrong my opponents defended me, My nemesis she had her way , she made both of them fight for it instead. There goes my chance to make amends and to get a passing grade. The teacher who taught english yet was a philosophy major, whom did not know the term yesteryear could be used in writing. Failed me.
With that my father lost his trust in his only son.

I went to summer school for english that year i had 2 months worth of english an hour a day save for sundays. I made a deal with my instructor/teacher i would do 3 hours a day sometimes 5 and I'd watch her kid for her. She was surprised by my work, my poetry and short stories which were required for me to make. I'd finish those sessions early though... so I'd have free time on my hand baby-sitting the instructor's kid and when she was looking at my works she wondered...
Why did I fail? I told her my story and it was a good feeling to let someone know because not even my father believed my story and she was the only one who believed it aside from the other instructors.

So here I am now 3 years after that accursed day that which father found out I had failed.
still with no trust, constantly being brought down with only the Clan and my other friends online to keep
me company. I've finally decided on what I want to do and that's cooking, I love food but now
with my Dad's deteriorating intelligence is refusing to let me drive a car , is refusing to send me to culinary school all because I couldn't go out for a morning because of a tummy ache and his reasoning for not letting me go people? It doesn't make sense to me either but it's because I'm fat (which he says is obesity fact: i'm 250pounds) and I'm socially awkward and he thinks I'm mentally ill because I'm fat. Yeah Mentally ill because fat.

Here I am wondering why I haven't done anything homicidal or suicide related at all to this day.
Someone tell me...if I'm in the wrong right now? please.
I'm starting to lose it...