Sorry in advance for this gigantic wall of text that's being put here.
So...I'm basically using this to keep myself kind of in check I go by the name of Akilos in-game and I'm a member of AxS , I'm 20 and I'll be 21 by Christmas. I've led an okay life...considering what I've been through Mom kept beating me when I was a kid , Dad would always be out of the house oblivious to the happenings, my grandma taking my sister in so she wouldn't be abused by my mom...I remember hiding
under my bed when she'd bring out the belt and also getting hanged on a tree in a sack with my head sticking out & getting all my books thrown at me when I refused to study sometimes. I held a lot of that in a lot ,I'd get threatened by my mum if I'd mention even a tiny bit of any of that to my dad. A few years later...my mum and dad decided to get annulled so I remember being in a courtroom telling them what my mum did to me all those years but just as we finished the case...She passed away.
I remember not being able to cry at all during the funeral. I guess I was kinda broken on the inside
with the constant beatings and all.
I'd get made fun of in school... got spat on the face and for a pretty big guy I was a marshmallow but that never mattered to me...all I had to throw all that pain away was playing video games it didn't matter what genre I played it just felt nice not being being spat or got called a pig or loser or alot of things like that. I played for fun and to release all that tension I had running on my mind.
High school was great at least...for the first 2 years there.I'd hang out with my pops and we got along well same goes for my sister. People weren't dicks in my class I made friends. We'd hang out after school. Life was great... until the 2nd half of the school-year. Our class adviser got replaced with a new one who'd get too involved with our lives. I recall her hating me after I corrected a mistake she made once...ugly rumors about me started getting out , people started to make fun of me and spreading rumors. Everyone else would be at parties and I'd be the guy sitting at home because I never got invited I didn't mind at first I was completely oblivious to it.Shortly afterwards, my grandmother died that year. Then with each and every passing day things got worst and worst I was terrible at math so you know my pops would understand but that was pretty much it, English class was great book reports were kinda fun with book selections anyway. Every other class was just so-so. So while all those days of rumors and people talking behind my back passed I just kept my mind busy with games.
I'd play long hours into the night staying up late playing. Forgetting the feelings of pain that eventually got worst as the rumors got harsher and people started believing it. On our final year of high school
my friends I wouldn't even know if you could them that would just ditch me. We'd have to do group works I'd get stuck in a group where no one wanted to work with me. So I'd get left out.
My stress levels rose and rose & rose...it rose so much I'd ended up playing all the way till dawn on a school night. Then I'd just go to school and start sleeping... My dad being the parent that he is got concerned and he got really worried. I had trouble with any class that ended up with numbers in it so I had help...
but in the end the help really helped so instead of failing those subjects I failed English yes, english that teacher who became our adviser at around the 2nd half of year 2 of high school, she became our adviser again.(Uh oh) She was my nemesis...the teacher that everyone made fun of and would put up a front to her. I being myself just tried to do my work but in the end with my terrible short term memory i'd forget to do homework she'd give me. Everyone in my class aside from me and the smart people would cheat and even my "friends" would cheat but, they wouldn't let me cheat off of them even my so-called bestfriend.
By the end of the year...I couldn't march down the aisle...why? That teacher my nemesis with me being her most hated student constantly called my dad, bugged him and he'd just add to the stress with his form of concern made it worst. 2 months before the final grading...this nemesis of mine held a spelling bee, the prize was... an exemption of the final exam. I was there in the finals... I was glad I worked hard... and on that word which I had correctly spelled. I was marked...wrong my opponents defended me, My nemesis she had her way , she made both of them fight for it instead. There goes my chance to make amends and to get a passing grade. The teacher who taught english yet was a philosophy major, whom did not know the term yesteryear could be used in writing. Failed me.
With that my father lost his trust in his only son.
I went to summer school for english that year i had 2 months worth of english an hour a day save for sundays. I made a deal with my instructor/teacher i would do 3 hours a day sometimes 5 and I'd watch her kid for her. She was surprised by my work, my poetry and short stories which were required for me to make. I'd finish those sessions early though... so I'd have free time on my hand baby-sitting the instructor's kid and when she was looking at my works she wondered...
Why did I fail? I told her my story and it was a good feeling to let someone know because not even my father believed my story and she was the only one who believed it aside from the other instructors.
So here I am now 3 years after that accursed day that which father found out I had failed.
still with no trust, constantly being brought down with only the Clan and my other friends online to keep
me company. I've finally decided on what I want to do and that's cooking, I love food but now
with my Dad's deteriorating intelligence is refusing to let me drive a car , is refusing to send me to culinary school all because I couldn't go out for a morning because of a tummy ache and his reasoning for not letting me go people? It doesn't make sense to me either but it's because I'm fat (which he says is obesity fact: i'm 250pounds) and I'm socially awkward and he thinks I'm mentally ill because I'm fat. Yeah Mentally ill because fat.
Here I am wondering why I haven't done anything homicidal or suicide related at all to this day.
Someone tell me...if I'm in the wrong right now? please.
I'm starting to lose it...
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Previously known as TCPTitan, Whiplash
I finally decided to be Terran after a while...and damn it feels good.
One thing is clear; you can't sit around and let your father tell you how your life should be. Start by changing the things that are easy to change. Start exercising if you and your father don't like you being fat. It'll make you have more energy and make both of you happier. On top of that you'll need the extra endurance for long days of cooking if you're looking to be a chef. Theres a LOT of time spent on your feet, you don't want to be feeling muscle pains towards the end of a day that slow you down. I've definitely been there many a time before.
Not sure about the driving part, do you have your license or is it simply you don't have a car to drive? Also, if you can't go to culinary school, perhaps looking for an apprenticeship would be easier. That way you're getting paid as well, so your father might see it as a better option. Its certainly easier to support yourself that way, although it takes longer overall to become fully qualified in most cases.
Try not to use video games as a way to hide from your problems in life anymore. Although I can admit I've done the same in the past, you will find yourself much happier once you actually deal with your problems.
Hard to say whether or not you're "in the wrong", but I don't believe its as if theres only black or white. You can be doing better for yourself through your actions, but you seem to be a product of what your experiences have been like in life. This'll sound corny, but its up to you to overcome any negative experiences by getting what you want out of life and not wishing you haven't.
Dr Chasu recommends you sketch all your bad feelings and memories out on a piece of paper, acknowledge them as the past and burn it (or tear it up whatevs). The visual stimulus of physical disappearance of the negatively associated memories will aid in accepting the experiences as past occurrences which no longer control or influence you as a person anymore. You need to let go and focus on a positive future which you may dictate as yourself. Being not content with yourself due to past reasoning is psychologically pointless (unless it is a learning experience) We can ruminate on these bad or negative feelings looking from some sort of resolution OR we can leave the pieces on the floor where they were dropped on the floor and start another chapter in life with more experience then what was previously had in order to get a more positive outlook on life and our aspirations and goals.
Dr Chasu says it is good you recognise an aspiration in being a chef and that you should take up cooking as a hobby. Exercise and eating healthy not only promotes a good body physique, but it also is scientifically proven to help our psychological state as well. Also taking up a job (if you do not have one yet) is a great way to pass the time (with the added bonus of $$$ woohoo!) And to meet new people. If you're concerned about making friends than join a social club or activity in which you can have fun and immerse yourself on the company of others. Being happy is attractive and others will be drawn towards you. Be a confident person who is fun to be around and you will notice a difference for sure. You may even score one of those elusive 'girlfriend' things Dr Chasu has seen on the TV.
Challenge yourself and reap the rewards of life!
Here is my 2 cents, stop listening to other people and letting them get to you, I know it is hard but do try. Good to hear you found something you are passionate about, try investing some time in to finding a job in the industry, kitchen hand would be a great way to get a feel and really see what it is all about, one does not simply become a chef overnight. The pay would also give you a lot of independence and probably motivate you to do more with your life and take your mind off the hurt.
Losing some weight and exercising regularly though will probably help a lot too with motivation and stuff of that sought. Try finding some clubs or anything to meet some new people and friends, having mates online is great and all but having people there for you in real life is a lot better.
Hope shit gets better dude.
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I keep it real bruv.
The man reason I don't go to lans( besides wanting to keep my image as sea's bad boy lan dodger) is because I don't want to tell my parents that any of this exists because they already think I'm addicted, they'd think I was crazy if I said people play this game professionally
srzly screw what parents fink of us lol brother tells me everyday wasting Ur time etc even for breakfast and dinner i hear all night till i go to bed i wear ear plugs now when i walk around the house
Stephen, I can relate a fair bit to some of what you've said, and honestly, I think it's really good to let things out;
And as others have said, you gotta start acting of your own will, not just listening to everything your dad says; if you can't go to culinary school, try get an apprenticeship, and once you've saved up enough money from that, maybe you could go to a culinary school and pay by yourself? At your age, I don't think you're legally under your dad's care anymore, so he can't really stop you from doing that, and once you've completed that you can prove to him that neither your videogames, nor your weight, make you mentally ill or stop you from succeeding in things.
There always will be those truths which your parents won't believe, and it'll hurt when they refuse to accept it, and make it seem as if you're the liar, the antagonist, but sitting there and not doing anything about it will hurt even more. So you just have to do as well as you can, on your own, and bit by bit, slowly and steadily, you'll bring yourself back to your feet, and from then on you can independently go forth in life as you wanted to, and show your father than you weren't in the wrong about anything.
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Alternates being known as AurA and AxS.Kumo
Felt sad reading your story man :'( Hope you can push through and just forget about what other say negatively about you. I'm not so sure how you can convince your dad that you want to pursue culinary school and make him trust you? Probably start losing weight might help? (I'm not saying that being fat means you're ugly and stuff, just probz be more fit and healthy?) But I think you should be able to convince your dad that you are old enough to be an independent person and choose what you want to become
I think nearly everyone can empathise with your situation. The great thing about being at a personal "rock bottom" is that the only way is up. I found a great sense of joy when I figured this out. Nothing could get worse I told myself, so why don't I just make the most of it and enjoy the run. So instead of focusing on everything going wrong I made an effort to do things I liked, caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years, started going to the gym and even just helping people out. You would be amazed at how far having a positive attitude and seeing that glass half full will change things.
I'm not too sure about the parent stuff. Personally my Dad has always been right. No matter what, everyone decision I have asked him for advice on he has been correct. I remember him telling me what subjects I should do in yr12 and complaining that it was rubbish and that I was never going to do engineering. Guess what course I'm doing now at 23? Engineering. I could have saved myself 7 years if I had simply followed it from the beginning. If your dad wont let you drive ask him what he thinks you should do, tell him you would like to purse a career in hospitality and how he thinks you should go about it. Just have a genuine sit down and chat about your options.
Yeah my mother laughed in my face funny that she was the one who introduced me to BW in the first place.
On the opposite side of this, telling my parents this actually gave me a lot of leverage for justifying the time spent playing/watching. I just tell them that when they watch programmes on TV in the evenings, I watch SC2. When my dad gets up in the middle of the night to watch football, I might get up in the middle of the night to watch a foreign SC2 tournament. They've come to terms with it and accept it as a normal part of my daily routine.
T_T I hope my parents are like that one day, my dad only sees videogames as a distraction from studies, and I'm sorta scared to even suggest things like the idea of gaming professionally to him D:
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Alternates being known as AurA and AxS.Kumo
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